my baggy-jeans boy

I seriously do not want to be cliche or sentimental.

I'd just like to write something about him, as my deep appreciation to him.
My friend, my brother, my soul mate, my supporter.
My love.

It's been a year 8 months and 21 days.

White side:
I can say he's really good at self-marketing. I don't know whether such theory is exist or not. But he is. He can position himself perfectly. He smoothly transfers from one to another character whenever I need. He is my boyfriend when I need to be loved, he is my friend when I need to share, he is my supporter when I need a shoulder, he is my soul mate who give me some parts of mine that i miss, though I also admit that he is my rival and enemy during the hard days-the days before and after my menstruation period! I say he is also a good listener. He listens to me even when I don't wanna share. He listens with his hug. Though sometimes of course he's really tired of my silence and gets angry. The thing is not his talk is important, but it is his behaviours that make me impressed.

I feel really secured when he's around. It's like I wouldn't be hurt by anything. I think what I really meant by secured is truly being myself. I started my relationship with a friendship, so I don't hide anything from him. I say what I wanna say, I dress how I wanna dress, I do what I wanna do. It's a freedom that I get. I am trusted, and It is really something in a relationship. Our relationship. I learn from him how not to be jealous. I learn how to simply love someone without being complicated.

He's also one of the smartest persons I've ever met in my life. He grew up with encyclopedias and news. He is crazy about history-war thingies- especially World War II. He said that that is the best war of all time! He knows about everything-I mean my standard of everything. He knows things, which for me are not important at all. One day when we were in the diesel train on the way to Düsseldorf, he asked me "do you know why is this train run by diesel engine?". Oh my god! I was thinking why should i know? And then of course he explained it, and what I cant believe is that I was listening! The other day, we were on a sort of romantic situation on the ship deck. We were on a boat party heading to Nijmegen. That was perfect and sweet, because we almost never have this kind of situation in our relationship so far. So I thought, Okay! this is the time! Until.... we were on a little silent and he asked me "do you know what will happen if two boats face each other?". I just cant believe that! and i said "No, what will happen?". Then he described that each boat needs to turn to the right so they wont crash each other, and so on and so fort. His term of smart is not only concerning his knowledge but also about his ability in approaching people. He is not really nice if you know him from the first time, because you'll think he's kinda "sotoy" and "sok kenal", kind of bad ice-breaker. But soon as you know him better you'll see that he is a very interesting person. He talks much, about everything in your interest. I don't know how can he know people's interest. But he really said once that it is inded his strategy in approaching people. Interesting!

He counts every expense he has. Its good sometimes, but sometimes its just really tiring for me. He prefers to buy anything else but clothes! He prefers to have his clothes "imported" from Indonesia by his mom. Incredibly unreasonable! Because of the clothes were picked by his mom, of course it means kind of oldish style. Most of his clothes are polo shirts with particular chosen colors and patterns which make him somehow looks a bit older and formal than he should be. But he just doesn't care, he wears them anyway. One time his mom bought him "her style jeans", boot-cut jeans!! This of course doesn't match with either his personality or his preference of jeans- baggy jeans. He said to me that he won't ever wear the jeans because it is inconvenient. He feels really strange.

Well, you see that my boy is not a stylish person. He wears only something comfy for him, yeah, just like me. Simple and boring, jeans, polo shirt and t-shirt.

Well, its too long already. Not because its not worthwhile to write about him, but it's a blog not a book. I probably will spend the whole week to tell a story about him. But let me stop here and keep the rest for me.

It's just one part, the white side of him. Of course I will write the black side of him, why wont I? Then, I will keep you informed when I get the mood.

Say 'Never' to stereotypical drawing

Tonite I chatted with Aryo. As usual, that was an MEANINGLESS chatting about MEANINGLESS things. Finally we ended up drawing on yahoo doodle- One of YM's IMvironment which enables you to draw in the chatting box.

So, we drew.
Something of course...
MEANINGFUL!


Jepp, we drew it! The most stereotypical drawing of Indonesian children, age of 6-10. We drew perfectly like we did! the color, the setting, everything is perfect!

I really have no clue how could every Indonesian children must have had done this. Aryo said it is the teacher's fault who gives example of that kind of drawing. This sort of drawing has created mind-set of a perfect drawing! But as long as I can remember, I don't recall that any of my teachers taught me this kind of drawing.

Tell me you'd never done this!!!
I bet that you gotta be an extraordinary Indonesian kid.

Ibu Bernyawa 5

Beberapa minggu yang lalu saya mendengar cerita yang benar-benar membuat saya menangis. Ini tentang seorang ibu yang saya kenal dekat, namun panggil saja ia Ibu. Sudah beberapa tahun belakangan setelah keadaan ekonomi keluarganya menurun, pusat perbelanjaan keluaganya berpindah ke pasar tebet barat. Selain murah, relatif dekat dari rumah, dan disana sangat lengkap. Walaupun memang harus menahan panas dan sesak. Pada hari sang ibu pergi ke pasar tebet untuk membeli keperluan obat-obatan harian. Ia juga membeli obat disana, karena bisa ditawar dan kadang ada yang bisa dibeli setengah. Lalu ia tertarik pada sebuah lipstick pada saat melihat-lihat. Ia lihat lipstick itu beberapa saat, dicobanya ke punggung tangannya untuk melihat warnanya dan ia kembalikan ke si penjual, ia menyebutnya Uda. Ia sang pemilik toko kosmetik langganan si ibu. "Nanti deh yah da, liat-liat dulu" kata ibu.

Ia benar-benar ingin lipstick itu, entah karena memang butuh atau tertarik saja. Tapi menurutku itu adalah hal yang wajar karena toch ia adalah juga seorang wanita yang ingin tampil cantik. Lalu ia berpikir-pikir sambil berputar-putar pasar. Dan setelah beberapa lama, tak terasa ia telah memutari seluruh pasar lima kali. Dan ia memutuskan untuk pulang dan tidak jadi membeli lipstick itu. Ketika saya bertanya kepada adik saya yang menceritakan kisah ini kepada saya.

"Emang berapa harganya sih lipsticknya??"
"20 ribu". Hati saya terasa mau copot mendengarnya. Lalu apa sebabnya saya tanyakan lagi ke adik saya.
"Lah, kenapa ga dibeli terus?
"Soalnya 20 ribu bisa buat uang makan besok"

Serta merta perasaan campur aduk datang. Seumur hidup saya tidak pernah mendengar kisah seperti ini, apalagi tentang seseorang yang saya kenal baik. Ternyata memang susah sekali menjadi seorang ibu. Ia benar-benar tidak mempunyai satu hidup. Tapi 4 hidup lainnya, keluarganya. Milik anaknya yang pertama, milik anaknya yang kedua, milik anaknya yang ketiga, dan milik suaminya. Saya jadi menyadari bahwa saya harus siap untuk berpikir seperti itu juga nanti jika saya menjadi seorang ibu. Siap untuk mempunyai lebih dari satu hidup. Hidup untuk orang lain. Memang seorang ibu itu selalu mulia.

Only For Us

Someone asked Andy, my boyfriend,

"Do you have girlfriend?"
"Yeap!"

And spontanously another friend of mine reacted,

"Aaah, you'll never know that they are couple! They are just like an ordinary friend!"

hehehhehe....Yes we are.

Simply because we are couple only for ourself.
Something only we know.

This is the time called 'Tambal Sulam'

In my shared room, staring at my family potrait. I see smiles.
All I can say is let us cry, even for a second.
We have smiled for our life and now its the time to put our heads lower.
Life is indeed like a roller coaster.
If we could choose when we are down, i wouldn't choose this time.

I study communication, ironicly we can't communicate each other.
I ain't taught to say my feeling and prospective.
It seems that we have two controller leading to different directions.
Blaming each other.

I dont know anymore which would be better.
Laugh or Cry.
Now I'm just pretending that I'm okay.
Thou I always know that I'll be alright.
So will my family. They are all great person.

I know that this time would make me stronger.
And stronger. and stronger.
Three of us are not every girl.

I see my future. Just a few steps ahead.
I know I would be able to reach it, somehow, I dont know.
Yet I still need supports.
I will be the support for them, my sisters, my family.
I will pay it. Pay what they have given to me.

Staring at my family potrait.
I see hope.
I see future.

Saat Ku Sendiri Adalah Saat Aku Bisa Merasakan Semua Yang Tidak Bisa Kurasakan Saat Tak Sendiri.

Satu kali lagi kukatakan bahwa memang itu membuatku bahagia
Yang terpenting bukan hanya bahagia tapi penuh dan lengkap
Yang memberiku sebuah kebohongan termanis
Menjadi sebuah besar
Aku ingat bahwa memang aku sebuah kecil
Dan semakin hari berlalu aku benar-benar makin sadar bahwa aku sebuah kecil
Ternyata selama ini aku dibodohi

Kapan aku tersadar adalah detik ini
Saat sedang menjadi sebuah kecil dan sendiri
Kini aku baru merasa aku telah dibohongi
Aku meronta karena kehilangan kebohongan itu dan ingin kembali kepada kebohongan
Manis sekali rasanya

Saat sendiri aku dibayangi banyak hal aneh
Bukan hanya ingin menangis dan meronta dan marah dan benci
Bukan hanya sendiri dan sepi dan kasihan dan diam
Tapi juga ingin bangun dan ingin berubah dan ingin bergerak
Tapi juga ingin jujur dan bicara dan teriak

Lagi aku hanya sebuah kecil
Dan kebohongan terlalu manis dan indah buatku
Untuk sementara waktu aku memilihnya
Aku tahu aku akan selalu begini
Seperti ini
Perlahan mati perlahan lenyap perlahan hilang
Perlahan nikmat perlahan senyum perlahan melayang

Gossiping; Gossiper; Gossip

Main Entry: ²gossip
Function: intransitive verb
: to relate gossip
- gos·sip·er noun


Main Entry: ¹gos·sip
Pronunciation: 'gä-s&p
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English gossib, from Old English godsibb, from god god + sibb kinsman, from sibb related -- more at SIB
1 a dialect British : GODPARENT b : COMPANION, CRONY c : a person who habitually reveals personal or sensational facts about others
2 a : rumor or report of an intimate nature b : a chatty talk c : the subject matter of gossip

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I could say that gossip is part of my life, its part is even bigger than reading or listening music. For some people like me, gossiping is more or less counted as a daily routine. Why? Because it gives you enough satisfaction, time-consuming, interesting, gain your knowledge about people, and one of the ways to have daily self-reflection. People usually assume Gossip as a negative activity rather than try to have some positive effects of gossiping. One of them is Healthy. And I will tell you that gossip is not always untrue, but often could be a fact, which is passed by people.

What do you talk about when you are gossiping?? People!
People are the most interesting creature in the world to talk about. When it is categorized as a gossip is when you are talking that particular person behind their back, it could be bad or good. Truthfully we could not avoid hearing or passing a gossip, because gossiping is almost counted as a way of life. It is a common thing.

I will let myself think if I were the one who has been gossiped. I had been there in that position and it was not for the good one. What I felt was horribly shame and mad. I could not really think why such a gossip happened to me, did I do something wrong and so on, and so on. But as it was merely a gossip, I could do nothing, at all. I could not just throw my suspect away and kill him/her. It is also stupid if you have to clarify and come to each person, or even make a press conference. Who the heck am I? One thing I should consider that time is people don’t give too much shit on gossip. It will cost you time but not long enough so it could kill you. I just let it go and let the time pass them away. That was what I did.

Now, I will put myself again as a gossiper. I like to be on the save side, everyone does. Every time you do this gossip thingies, I guarantee you that you will feel a very good mood, you can laugh, you even can cry, basically you will feel many happiness and satisfaction (note: if you do like gossiping). But the most important thing about gossip is that you can never pass it to everyone you like, unless you are a journalist of one of those Indonesian infotainment programs. Because here you are about to pass either a fact or lie about someone to someone, you have to be really sure of who is the person you are talking to. You even have to really consider them even if he/she is your friend. Why? Because your friend has friends, and those friends have friends, and those friends have again other friends whom now you won’t be able to count. Such relationship will endanger you; you will never know that a friend of friend of your friend is a friend of that particular person who is being gossiped. He/she who will tell the gossip to the person will ruin your life, your daily life, your friendship, your relation and everything. You even won’t know person who ruin your life.

Now I will tell you again one of my own gossip experiences. I have made several mistakes in gossiping, most of them is because I picked the wrong person to pass to. It started 2 months ago when me and my friends made fun with, called it, my teacher. We made a silly gossip without any special intention which is basically done because our teacher was late. We were so boring and a bit mad so we could not help ourselves not to make that stupid gossip. After that day ended we simply forgot it. Times went by, about two weeks later I had another meeting with our teacher. I don’t really know why our teacher is really like being late or it is some kind of habit for that person, but again our teacher late. It’s not because we don’t want to understand our teacher but our teacher keeps doing that and it became so damn annoying. So, we talked about that stupid gossip again in that meeting, made fun out of it and laugh. Purely just that! We did not aware that in the same time there was someone listening what we were gossiping as well. We really did not know that this person would be the key of my horrible story.

About a week ago, I and my friend were on the way with our teacher. The music was turned out loud while our teacher started the conversation. Our teacher started by saying ‘just wanna share my little thought’. Our teacher told me that there was a gossip spread about that our teacher has been having an affair. Our teacher got a mail concerning a warning that our teacher has been gossiped. The mailer heard the story from a girl who is the gossipers’ friend. It was the first shock to me. Then our teacher continued the story and told us that the gossiper was people who in fact are close to our teacher. That was the second shock that made everything’s clear that we are the one, the gossiper. Nothing could be more horrible than sitting there and listening the story which is our own story. Nothing could be more shameful than pretending that it was a story about someone else and having a fake smile. Nothing could be more than that night. But fortunately our teacher had a big heart, the story ended by our teacher saying that our teacher just will let it go….

My story won’t end here. After we were dropped in our house, we run some kind of hypothesis of what was happening, who might be the suspect who was being so stupid passing that stupid gossip to the mistake person. First discussion ended blank, we had no person. Secondly, we included our boyfriend. They gave some opinions who coincidentally so make sense. The Hypothesis is that the suspect coincidentally overheard the gossip. Then the suspect really did not know that the gossip is the really a joke and no fact involved. Unintentionally the suspect passed it to the person who the suspect though is trustable. This second person accidentally has sort of extra concern toward our teacher, so that second person spent special times to write our teacher that letter which concerns a warning and led to our tragedy.

After this event, I could not just stop to think what if our hypothesis is right. I could not believe it. Our suspect has bad reputation in gossiping, we could say unprofessional, amateur, incompetent, slack or whatever. Hehehe… but this event made me learns how to pass a gossip to the right person, and not to say anything to the suspect ever again! We could never know the right person to gossip with until they uncover themselves.

Being picky is the key!!!

I hope you dance

Last Thursday I had a dance performance at an elderly-house nearby Utrecht (I can't remember the exact name of the place). When we first arrived at its gate, we were totally surprised because it looks more like a forest. The performing place was still 1 km from the main gate.

When we finally found the place, we came in and met with sort of the EO and we were brought to our dressing room. After a short chat with the EO, this elderly house is not a regular elderly house. This one is provided for the elderly who have psychotic problems. The security of the complex, particularly the building, is 24/7 strict.

Our dressing room which is regularly a common room for those elderly, has a kitchen, a long dining-table, and two sets of sort of living room for probably chatting time. What impressed me were the supported equipments. The couches for the sort-of-living room were not a standard one, they were automatic massager couch. The kitchen is a modern and furnished, complete with full-of-specially-made-instant-meal refrigerator, 2 spotless coffee machines and fresh fruits. There were many blankets provided there. And there are also child’s toys there, 6-piece puzzle and basic child books (probably for 5-6 years old kids).

Do you see bizarre things? I wonder why should they provide those elderly which is notably not productive at all anymore with those kind of kitchen and couches. I bet they will just simply open the fridge and grab one of those instant foods, but in the other hand do not they provide them with special meal in their rooms? And for the couches, don’t they will break their back if they use them? Why I wonder is because elderly who live there are not like those you see at the street. Most of them can’t walk anymore even can’t talk anymore, and of course also with psychotic relevant. Based on my assumption, probably our dressing room is just the most normal one. I do not hope so.

Back to my performance, the hall where we were performing and its entrance had been designed with Indonesian-wannabe thingies, helicak, barong, lampions (which are exactly Chinese lampions). The hall was not big and has no stage or podium. They didn’t give much decoration for the hall. We had so much time before our performance since we arrived sooner. We killed the time with chatting, eating snacks and having little rehearsal, particularly for Tari Giring-Giring as three of us (me, Resy and Lia) hardly remembered it.

5 minutes before performance....

We were called by the EO to stand nearby the hall, we got out…

We performed 2 dance sessions; first session was Tari Jali-Jali, Tari Tempurung, and Tari Panji Semirang. The second session was Tari Yapong, Tari Giring-giring and Tari Jaipong. I performed at Tari Tempurung and Tari Giring-giring.

When I first entered the hall, I felt no worries at all because I have performed this dance many times and I knew that the audience would not be as enthusiast as the others performances. So I carried on my dance. After a while and started to have eye contact with the audience, then suddenly a splash of thick air came to my lung and shocked me. They are indeed not a regular elderly people, they have the same white hair and same wheel chair and same wrinkle. But I can see different expression on their faces, either they are extremely happy, extremely appreciated or extremely careless with our dance. I will get you the picture.

One of our audiences is a very old woman who always raised her hands to get along with the rhythm. Her face was always extremely smiled with eyes wide opened. She looked very interesting with our dance. After the second session ended, as usual we had sort of ending dance where we asked the audience to dance with us. Of course, there, we had to really careful in selecting who would perform with us, since they are not much who could and would dance. Finally we got couple of people, among them there was that woman who surprisingly still could walk though slowly. She was there among the circle to dance with us still with the same expression, big smile and big eyes which say for happy. The ending dance lasted for around 7 minutes. She was standing between Lia and the EO who were tightly held by her. During the dance, she tried to express her feeling by communicating with my friend, Lia. She tries several times and Lia still couldn’t hear any voice came from her mouth. She couldn’t speak anymore.

There is the other audience. It is a man. He was there with his wheel chair. His head and face were not normal anymore; I supposed it caused by a stroke. He had 2 hands but only one performs well. I had an eye contact with him after Tari Tempurung ended. He was nearly at the last rows. It was so noisy because of the crowd of applauses. We went out from the hall and unexpectedly I heard mumble of 'mooi..mooi..mooi' which means 'great..great..great..' which came from my right side. There was that man who said mooi..mooi..mooi with his abnormal mouth and this one-handed clapping as his form of appreciation for us.

I saw those facts and they depressed me. I was there tried to perform Indonesian dances and I never knew that I would have such a great and beautiful appreciations from people who notably like them. I was truthfully amazed and thankful. I will never know that we, as the dancer, would deserve such kind of appreciation. Then, this case made me think again about my own life. Before this I never appreciate myself or think that I have such a positive point. That wished appreciation not come from people surrounding me, but from elderly people who met me coincidentally.

Sometimes, when we want to show or expect something, we will not see them at all in our daily life until it comes from the extreme one. Probably I have had appreciation from people for what I am doing, but I keep denying them until they say it extremely and loudly enough.

What I learned from here is simply about appreciation. How important it is for people and particularly me. Appreciation is the most basic, cheapest and easiest form of thank. But what is important, Appreciation would not effect much until you show or say it.

JEALOUSY you got me somehow

02.35 am mix with Dashboard Confensional's songs...

It's been my last-14-month-problem. It is a matter of jealousy.

I'm so tired of being jealous, close-minded and shallow. I really dont know how to start this kind of story since it would relate with some people. I'm trying to say it with my point of view, me, me and me.

For the last 14 months of my relationship with a boy, i have been suffering with a thing called stupid jealousy. I am jealous with a girl who used to be his. Of course i have particular reason why should i concern about her which wouldn't be named one by one, but most likely those will be stupid, cliche and childish.

One night, We ended in the conversation that took her as a part of it. And again the same feeling, feeling of anger, shame, unfaithful, intolerance, and so on and so on came and ruined a nice conversation that we had that night. I couldnt control myself, as a human being, to react positively or at least pretend to be cool. Everytime this name is said, spelled, and involved, the same feeling came to my mind, brain and of course the most sensitive, my heart.

Then, he said that he's so tired with my 14-month-problem. He's so sick of explaining and convincing me about her. After a while of silence, he said the sharpest sentence ever to me.

"Why you never trust me? That would cause lie. I prefer not to say and talk anything about her with you, to avoid your absurd jealousy. That was what you were doing with Firman as well, you prefered not to say than have to face his 1000 questions!"


I was increadibly speechless...that was right, all acceptable.

That was exactly what i was doing. It became one of the case of my brakeup. I realize that honesty would always be an important thing in relationship, but sometimes there are so many reasons behind why we prefer not to be honest, and my case is one of them.

Here, I sort of promise honestly and full of profundity that I will believe you faithfully. I wont ask for another convincing statement or another i-love-you that made a fake comfort for me. I do tired of being like this. I want get rid all of this 'T' thing. And i will start by saying..

"Hit me with your stories, even the most jealous-making one. And I wont be jealous at all ! 2 euros per jealous-movement! ahahhahaha"

Arnhem-Nijmegen's Cooking Competition

Last week I took part in Arnhem-Nijmegen's Cooking Competition which was held at the 2nd floor of Honigkamp (the student house in Arnhem). There were not less than 10 teams joined and presented their best BEEF recipe. This competition was not only open for Indonesian Students, but also International Students, there were 2 international groups.

This competition was so fresh, new and innovative. We supposed to have a team with max 3 persons each team. I was with Kristi, my roomy. We were informed about the theme of the recipe about 24 hours before D-day, and that was BEEF. Well, beef was kinda easy to cook, I mean you can almost do everything with beef for the innovation and creativity's sake. So we (ahhahaha, not we exactly because Kristi had the idea, i thought nothing!) decided to cook beef thingy which was later named as LA HAM DU CILLE.

It was so much fun, fun and fun. We shopped groceries, meat and the other recipe-related things at the open markt and AH centrum (red-AH is a name of supermarket here in Netherlands, the good and expensive one). The funnest thing was when we stopped at carnaval shop at Arnhem Centrum. There were so many carnaval things there, start from clown costume till pig nose. Those things created an idea for us that we were going to attend the competition with a costume. Since the theme was BEEF so we decided to go with Stadsboerderij Meisjes costume!!!!

Here are some best photos of us, Stadsboerderij Meisjes...

Bergaya Sebelum Beraksi.....uhuhuhuhu














































Ber Yel-Yel Ria Demi The Most Festive Certificate!! (hhh..murahan!)
















Senyum Deg-degan menunggu hasil Juri cicip-cicip


















Masakan Ala Stadsboerderij Meisjes....La Ham du Cille!!!















































Senang dan Haru menjadi Sang Tim Paling Meriah.....
































Photo Ria bersama 'Maskot' Lekker Hoor Cooking Competition...
(huhuhu memaskotkan diri)
























Ini FANS BERAT Stadsboerderij Meisjes....dan sebagai informasi sehari setelah Cooking Competition dia minta tanda tangan di photo ini...huhuhuh dan tentu saja KAMI KASI DENGAN SENANG HATI!!!! hehehhe (red-ini adalah berita bohong belaka)



Well.... what a day what a meisje!!!
We were really happy as we won one of the category, The most festive team which was impossible not belong to us, because we were very berry merry cherry damn different with other, of course different in a positive (freak) way...huhuhuhu

Yeah..yeah...at least we won something although not because of the taste of our cook, but our costume...hihihihihi a bit miserable!!! pis...