24.8.08

The Present

Inspired by a genius novel, the Alchemist, I realized that I have been concentrating on picturing my future. How will I live, what kind of job will I have, how will I be happy and satisfied, how and where I will spend my old days, and with whom I will spend those days. I thought that picturing those things would drive my present and make me work harder for those dreams. Maybe I have read too many books and heard too many stories about living dreams that makes the idea of the dreams itself has become so important. But I just now realized that the idea makes me keep dreaming, and eventually without being able to wake up.

I think the secret of dreaming is actually the happiness itself, because we never dream of something terrible consciously. When we dream consciously, we experience a temporary satisfaction, because those dreams are the things that we want the most that we think will make us happy. It might also be that we dream of those things because we want something different in our life than we actually live now, or than those lives that we have seen around us that we do not want to have. Now that I have been busy dreaming, I have not started pursuing it.

A wise man in the novel said the simplest and wisest piece of advice that I translated into this meaning, 'Live your present. What is the worth of your dreams and your future if you cannot have your present right and die anyway today?'. I thought of that sense and pictured myself, and I saw this person who is standing by the sea enjoying peace of the wind. Then I am asking myself, 'Why am I in peace?'. I could not understand why. I thought of what I have achieved, about the life I live, and those are all nothing yet compared to my dreams. So why on earth am I in peace?

I realized that the dream itself that has put me in peace, the temporary relieve that I have dreams to pursue. I am actually close to lie to myself. I then realized that it might be the time to actually pursue those dreams, cause this peace is of course not eternal. By being blinded by that peace, I might drive myself into something far different than my dreams, the things that I actually do not want to. I might also end up living those lives of the people around me, which I hate. Today might be.... is the day to start living my present, not living the dream, which I hope eventually will bring me to my dreams, and be thankful of that I think about this today, not tomorrow or some other day when I might have been late.

17.8.08

The Lost Pride

I think today will be the most suitable day of the year to ask this one question:

Why don't I excite anymore about the Indonesian Independence Day?

Deep down, as an Indonesian, I am feeling terribly wrong. I know that there must be something wrong, either with me- or my country - or probably both to be fair.

Today all of my flat-mates are going to The Hague, to the Indonesian Ambassador. As usual, every August 17th they hold a flag-hoisting ceremony, which is followed by traditional games and performances. This event always attracts the Indonesian people living in the Netherlands. The visitors even exceed the sum of visitors of the two important holidays; Ied and Christmas. For some people, the most attractive part of the event would be the food, which is especially prepared with Indonesian delicacies. Apart from that particular reason- the food-, I am not quite sure whether those people attend the ceremony is simply because they love their 'real' country- Indonesia- since some of them might not anymore hold Indonesian passport, or simply for the togetherness after the ceremony?

For me, I am home instead. I prefer to sit in front of my computer sending some job applications. This year is my forth year in the Netherlands, yet I feel like the longer I stay here, the less I care about those nationalism thingies. I think the bottom line theory should have been, "the longer I stay abroad, the more I miss my country, the more I care about it". It does not happen though. And if you ask the people living here, I bet that not even half of them will say that they want to go back to Indonesia and build their "real" country. Why? I honestly do not know. Am I feeling terrible? Yes I am. Can I do something about it? No.

It is rather embarrassing actually, the fact that I don't admire my own country anymore, considering that I was a flag-hoister back in high school. Because of this flag-hoisting-activity, back when I first time arrived in the Netherlands, I was this big girl who loved her country. I told everyone that when I finish my school I am going to go back to Indonesia and build my country, and I insisted that everyone should think so. Every time I talked to people about Indonesia, my heart was like swollen with pride hearing them talking about the beauty of Indonesia. I then realized that four years feel just like one blink of an eye. I can't remember anymore the last time I told the same argument that I told four years ago. I can't remember why I stopped, and when it happened. I also can remember the feeling of being that big, feeling of giving everything to my country, being proud and peaceful.

It might be true that a part of the answer was my previous blog, that I can't find anymore a reason to love my country. Another half would be the pride of being an Indonesian. I think this is all because my heart is not swollen anymore with that pride, the pride that I had four years ago. I need to find the pride that I have lost. How? tell me.

19.7.08

Alasan yang tepat

Seseorang non-nasionalis bertanya tentang kecintaannya terhadap negaranya. Ia dituntut untuk berbuat sesuatu untuk negaranya. Bukan untuknya, bukan untuk orang yang dicintainya, tetapi untuk negaranya. Walau negara adalah bagian dari identitasnya, negara baginya adalah zat absurd yang tidak bicara padanya, yang tidak membuatnya tertawa, yang tidak mencukupi apa yang ia butuhkan sebagai manusia.

Apabila negara bukan benda absurd yang tak terjamah, negara bisa diandaikan sebagai seorang perempuan. Jika kau bertemu seorang perempuan di kereta untuk pertama kalinya, perempuan yang tidak menarik. Perempuan ini tak bicara padamu, tak melucu dan tak membuatmu tertawa, tak menawarkan minuman dingin yang dipegangnya saat dia melirikmu dan melihatmu menelan ludah tanda kehausan. Apa yang akan kau lakukan untuk perempuan ini? Apakah kau akan menawarkan diri untuk membawakan tas belanjaannya? Apakah kau memiliki alasan untuk berbuat banyak untuk perempuan ini? Sang non-nasionalis berkata, ''Sebuat senyuman akan cukup."

Bagi sang non-nasionalis tuntutan ini lebih berat daripada menjalankan semua tuntutan agama dan kepercayaannya. Baginya hidup haruslah berdasar pada hubungan mutualisme, hubungan sebab akibat, memberi dan menerima. Baginya mencintai negara tidak sejalan dengan semua prinsip-prinsip hidupnya itu. Dan diatas semua itu, mencintai negara membutuhkan sebuah alasan. Dan ia tidak dapat menemukan alasan yang tepat untuk mencintai negaranya, dengan sepenuh hati. Alasan yang logis, yang membuatnya rela berkorban bagi negaranya.  Alasan yang manusiawi, bukan hanya semata-mata karena negara itu adalah identitasnya. Ia mencari alasan yang kuat. Alasan seperti alasan untuk mencintai seorang wanita. Baginya tanpa alasan kuat dan logis itu, ia dan negara bagaikan guntingan-guntingan kertas tak berlem. Tanpa alasan itu, sebagai seorang manusia ia tahu suatu saat ia akan berpaling ke sesuatu yang lebih riil, sesuatu yang lebih logis, sesuatu yang berbeda dan menawarkan prinsip-prinsip yang ia anut.

Sang non-nasionalis adalah seorang pencari. Ia mencari alasan. Ia mencari bukan untuk memberi, tapi untuk mengerti alasan yang tepat untuk mencintai. Ia tahu bahwa pencarian ini akan tak mudah. Semua ini sulit dan menantang karena negara bukan sebidang tanah, bukan sebatas lambang, dan juga bukan tuhan yang mewajibkan umat manusia untuk menjunjungnya. Negara adalah zat tercair yang tak terbendung dan tak terprediksi. Negara adalah kumpulan ide-ide. Negara adalah manusia-manusia, dan negara bukan saya. Selama ia tidak mengenal manusia-manusia ini dan segudang ide-idenya, ia tak akan mulai untuk mencintai negara.

Mengenal mungkin akan menyukai. Menyukai mungkin akan mencintai. Dengan alasan yang tepat semua itu akan menjadi mungkin.

28.6.08

I made it, I am the World's greatest!

I am that star up in the sky
I am that mountain peak up high
Hey, I made it!
I'm the world's greatest!
And I'm that little bit of hope
I can feel it
I'm the world's greatest!

The World's Greatest- R.Kelly
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I have never imagined that I would finally make it. I can't believe that no one would call me a student anymore. Above all, I can't believe that I am about to face the real life, and be a real money maker. I can now start thinking about more serious things, those challenging stuffs.

I have been calling my families to tell them about my graduation. I have never expected that they all are going to be that excited, especially from my father's side. I guess it was because I am both the eldest daughter and grandchild. It made me SMILE to hear them saying 'I am so proud of you...', although I am still not sure what that pride should be about. Because I guess graduating somehow makes my life, financially, less attractive. On the other side, I know that I must be proud of myself for what I have been doing in the last four years, and I do. All those life surprises and lessons learned are worth that SMILES.

Now, one more step to go. If I can find a job, then I would definitely crown myself as the world's greatest! 


12.5.08

A story about a smile

No matter what we try, and no matter how strong we are, human never have a power to push away Monday. Monday always comes. And its presence makes all smiles that human can ever have disappear. Probably not for some workaholics, and for some people with some special happiness-related cases. But I am certain that most of the normal people do feel like erasing Monday. For all the sake of happiness, the smiles needed to be reborn.

Some people decided to rewrite their smiles with a cup of the blackest coffee, without sugar, without milk, with an extra shot. Good choice to reopen their eyes, but I don't think smile would come from coffee. The only possibility might happen is the opposite of happiness, bitterness. Obviously the coffee must have tasted bitter, the smile is still a fetus.

Some people thought that lying to themselves might help. They came to their offices about half an hour to an hour late, and said hopelessly to their colleagues who drank their coffee, "Good Morning, monday again!". People would give a slight look, and said bitterly, "Yeah I know it's monday again. Good Morning". I would right away suggest them to rather say, "Bad Morning people, monday again", and people should have replied, "Yeah I know it's monday again. Bad Morning!". Simple, don't lie. Again, the smile is not yet reborn.

Some people just did not have a special concern about Monday anymore. They realized that they would not ever beat Monday, and force it to not come. They got up on time, and were in the office on time. They right away went to their working spot and faced the fact that the world will keep moving, without noticing every wish of its habitants. I am guessing that this kind of people must have somekind of dream, or whatsoever that makes the world of Monday is so worth it to live. They even put a slight smile while answering the first phone call on Monday. They went by the rule, be mainstream. I suppose that the smile is ready to be born on Tuesday.
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Born: Tuesday
Died: Sunday
Smile is born to the mainstream people.

8.5.08

Happy Birthday

One of my favorite days in my life.
I am thankful because people still do remember my day.
Today is just perfect and full of nice people.
I just realized that having a birthday is not only about me.
It is more about people around me,
who make me feel that the day is indeed special.

:)

25.4.08

Weekend: Family Time

I always love my weekend, which apparently I appreciate more lately. There is another thing I love besides my sleep: That I get to meet my friends. Spending hours in the living room playing video games, watching football, which I don't like, or cleaning the house. I know they don't sound like fun, but I do think It is fun because it feels like home. Sometimes we spend a little hour to go together to supermarket, doing some groceries for dinner. I have been enjoying a lot the days, especially when it comes to talking in the dining table, which always ends up with the most enjoyable laughs. When it comes to weekend, it always comes to my second family, the people that have been replacing the function of my nuclear family.

:)

19.4.08

The Search

I had a little talk with my flatmate two days ago. It was about the belief. I usually tend to avoid this kind of conversation, as usually it is down to religion. And religion is personal to me. Personal, in the same way as talking about my family matter. But that night, I did it anyway.

It appeared that she is jealous because I believe in something. And I've never heard such thing before. That was why I stayed.

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I admit that I do not really practice my belief. Although I also admit that I do still believe and always will. Practicing or not, one thing that I will always keep in mind, that I do what I do because I believe that is the right way, I do everything in my own way, and I keep that only between me and Him.

But it is really hard to actually stay on one belief. I keep reading books. I talk to people, but I am still not sure. Why I envy you is because you can have something to hold on. You believe in something.

I do not believe to have something to hold on to. To be honest I keep my belief only for leading my life to a good way, my own good way. I use my belief to keep the good from the bad, the bad from the good. Although the actual difference between those is subtle. Some people think that the belief is a part from our identity. I'd say it is more the way of life that results in our identity. In short, I would not let people know me because I am a muslim then I am a good person. I'd prefer people know me because I am a good person because I am a muslim. If we think like this, no one would do stereotyping in this world anymore.

I admit that I also believe in something bigger than us, but there are just too much doubts already along that belief that make me rather not go for it.

Doubts. The only question would be.. about what?

About which one. About why I should choose.

Who says that you have to stick in one of those. You don't always get to choose if you see believing in the same way as I do. By the end of the day, being good and happy are the ultimate goal. Those two might be cliche, but I guess with those two you can almost always survive from anything, but death of course. If I were you, I would treat my beliefs as I have been treating my cultural experience for the past four years. I tend not to avoid anything, instead I filter them. I have been collecting the cultural essences to make my own culture. This way I kinda enrich myself with the things I believe are good. I guess the basic concept of having differences applies here. That's also why companies have been campaigning about diversity program or internationalization. They all adapt one concept. Differences do not always lead to a conflict. Synergy should be the way we approach the differences. It is the same with the beliefs. Let's go with the trends I'd say.

It sounds like positive. Have you ever had some doubts about it thou?

I of course did. Especially after about the whole of my life learning about the same thing. I thought it would have been like learning math. If you do not understand you'd ask for sure, until you get the right formula to solve the equation. Doubt in believing for me does not work like that. You do not get to always ask. The more questions you have, sometimes it will bring you futher. One day a person told me to stop asking. It was so absurd I thought. But now I understand that the beliefs are not supposed to be thought in the same way as we thought about science, that everything can be explained. Those are the unreachable, the beliefs, should be somehow preserved by not asking. As time goes by, you are getting wiser, with your preserved belief you'd understand.

I am also telling myself, again, now, that that time will come.

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Based on a nice talk with Aimee van Dinten. Details of the story do not refer to the actual conversation.

31.3.08

My Childhood Ambitions

Weight/Family

I am about to graduate in four months, if I am lucky with my thesis. Hopefully by July all the school weights will be lifted from my shoulder, or shoulders in this case, because I have been carrying this with my both hands, even with all my body, and my parents’ body, and my grandparents’ body, and my aunt’s body.

Question/Clue

In this kind of situations, it is so typical that people will be asking this one question. This question is like a key question or a mandatory questions for people like me. Sometimes people do mean to ask you this and the answer would definitely be interesting for them. There are also some who ask this question in a social context. But I still do appreciate both, and I always answer this question with all my heart. Although what I mean by ‘with all my heart’ is actually ‘I don’t know yet’ or merely a ‘Let’s see!’. I think those just describe enough my real situation now.

They ask me about my plan, ‘so, what are you doing next? Are you staying in Holland or going back?’. I sometimes don’t know why these two questions sound so complicated. One of course is because I really have no idea about the future, which makes me not able to really answer it. Second of all, the one that I am afraid of, I might actually not know what I really want to do. That is I think why.

Perception/Different.

Probably millions of people out there know already what they actually want to do, or at least have dreams about it already. Me, is the opposite. I am definitely not talking about me being so absurd not knowing what I want to do. I am also not talking about me doing nothing after I graduate. I am also definitely not talking about taking master’s degree, because I have no money or no rich person or company that would like to pay my study, besides I am also not that much of a genius person. So that is not an option.

What I meant by the opposite way is about me giving shot to every possible direction. About me letting myself to be taken by every opportunity coming. It is also about me learning everything out there, not filtering the world yet, until I really know what I really want. Until I really know my real capabilities. Until I know which field I should be in to be a rich person. Well, to be quiet frank, by the end of the day, it is all about the money, and then of course about self-satisfaction.

Ambition/Dream.

As a child I did have some ambitions. I could even say that those are still in my head now. I still remember, there are two wishes. For your information, I actually wrote those down for my scholarship submission paper about four years ago. One, I want to be a good housewife. Second, I want to own an orphanage. I don’t know how on earth I could make it on that scholarship program with those two dreams, but I did make it. And I too don’t know, how am I studying here in Holland, with those two dreams are kept in my mind.

Dream/Challenge.


My next question for myself would be, how could I reach my childhood dream, plus all the dreams that I have been collecting along the way. They include Audi A3, apartment without garden, dark brown leather coat, feminine appearance which I found a bit cliché sometime ago, be the breadwinner of the family, be a successful working wife, be a daughter of a happy family, be a mother without giving birth, make people around me happy, be happy. I am not finished here with my list. But they are just too much to mention. But from here you know that I only want to be just like other people’s wish, be happy.

Next step/Future


So I am here now, four months before my graduation, with my plan of giving shot to every opportunity coming. As usual, as I always say..

‘Make the most out of Everything’.

So, by the end of my day I would not be disappointed for not trying. I might look like a generalist. Yet, instead I would say that I am a learner.

Goal/End

Happy.

28.3.08

A short dialogue with a Painter

He was once a businessman, running a quite successful small business in Holland. He is married with 2 children, Jessica and Marteen. He woke up every morning, went downstairs for a cup of coffee and made pancakes for the children. On the lazy days, he stayed upstairs faking his sleep to let his wife, Rieke, fed the children. He loved his life more than anything. He loved his routines. He loved his stressful work and to see his secretary having a secret affair with a guy on the 2nd floor. He loved his weekends in the garden during spring with his children, with his mother overlooking them from the veranda. It was obvious when people saw him walking in the neighborhood, or walking through the office corridor, or in the supermarket busy with his plastic bags, or just jogging around the corner, they definitely would say 'a good life is his life' and that always left a slight smile on their faces.

Until one day, on Wednesday morning, in a windy spring. It was no way an ordinary wind that day. That day trees were down, people are sent home and forced to be home, no school and children playing outside, instead of blossom flower, the wind took the flower along. For him it was like the other business day. He was on the way to a business appointment. He took his car. He listened to his new U2, and did not turn his news-switcher on, that made him isolated from the latest news. He was on the road, 80km/h, and it was raining cats and dogs. The phone suddenly was ringing, once, twice, third times, and....

still. silence was all over him. silentness. mute. nothing.

Three weeks after that, all he knew was that something bad happened that day. How, when, what, no one knew exactly. The doctor said that there were some damages with his skull that had impacted his way of thinking. That made working in a company was no longer an option. For him, for his family, for his company too, that day was the longest day of his life.

He was then referred to a psychiatrist, and spent hours of talking with him. About life, love, money, past, future, children, mother, any single thing he could think about. One day he was asked to stop seeing the psychiatrist and left with a single piece of advice, "find your hobby to make yourself happy again".

It was the most absurd thing he ever heard. He hated the psychiatrist for leaving him, for letting him thought that life is hard again, even harder. He then stayed home. He started watching TV. boring. He moved to radio. boring. He started with photography. Too expensive after a while. Then cooking. Tasteless. Then reading. His eyes got tired after thousands of books and his brain got full. Then music. Still music. Stayed a while in the music. Pretty good one. Then he got inspiration to paint. Red. Blue. Green. Lines. Circles. People. People. Women. Monster. Anything. He fell in love, with painting.

He continued going back and forth a hobby shop around the corner to buy another canvas, sometimes the guy gave him something for free. Black canvas, new type of acrylic, painting books, story about painting, some brushes, even glass palette. His painting started to make his small apartment full of his painting. He then started to go around the neighborhood to sell his painting. To a tall guy with a nerd daughter. To a former business partner, he sold a big one. To an artist who is a cousin of his former supplier. To his children's teacher. He gave three also to his children's school. One to the city library, the darkest one because he thought the library was too colorful. One, the one with a lot of yellow on it, to his mother, because he thought his mother shines for some reasons. And one, the one he liked the most, he wrapped that for his 14th marriage anniversary, and gave it as a surprise present to his wife.

He enjoys painting.

It has been five years since those days. Now, he lives in Belgium in a small city about three hours from Holland. He paints for living, with a title of 'Levenskunstenaar' stated on his brochure and business card. He does abstact most of the time, with people as the centre of the story. He is invited by big companies to paint for them. His creations now are hung on companies' wall. He paints around 40 paintings every year. His life is back. Some differences here and there. No fake sleep anymore. No 9-5 in the office. No secretary. No weekdays and weekends. His days are just days, where he can work on the weekends and sleep on the weekdays. Although those are not parts of his life anymore, 4 people are still the same, Rieke, Jessica and Marteen. Once again, smile has been brought to his, their life. Once again people look at them and say 'a good life is his life', with an additional thought of 'when you can do what you love to do'.

He is back on business, without supplier, without partner, without office. Just the business. He calls his new life, an enjoyable life.

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This story is based on a short dialogue with an artist, Pim Smit, who told me to not think when I start paint, in Eindhoven, while he was painting in a food court during lunch hour, on a windy shiny spring of Holland.