31.3.08
My Childhood Ambitions
I am about to graduate in four months, if I am lucky with my thesis. Hopefully by July all the school weights will be lifted from my shoulder, or shoulders in this case, because I have been carrying this with my both hands, even with all my body, and my parents’ body, and my grandparents’ body, and my aunt’s body.
Question/Clue
In this kind of situations, it is so typical that people will be asking this one question. This question is like a key question or a mandatory questions for people like me. Sometimes people do mean to ask you this and the answer would definitely be interesting for them. There are also some who ask this question in a social context. But I still do appreciate both, and I always answer this question with all my heart. Although what I mean by ‘with all my heart’ is actually ‘I don’t know yet’ or merely a ‘Let’s see!’. I think those just describe enough my real situation now.
They ask me about my plan, ‘so, what are you doing next? Are you staying in Holland or going back?’. I sometimes don’t know why these two questions sound so complicated. One of course is because I really have no idea about the future, which makes me not able to really answer it. Second of all, the one that I am afraid of, I might actually not know what I really want to do. That is I think why.
Perception/Different.
Probably millions of people out there know already what they actually want to do, or at least have dreams about it already. Me, is the opposite. I am definitely not talking about me being so absurd not knowing what I want to do. I am also not talking about me doing nothing after I graduate. I am also definitely not talking about taking master’s degree, because I have no money or no rich person or company that would like to pay my study, besides I am also not that much of a genius person. So that is not an option.
What I meant by the opposite way is about me giving shot to every possible direction. About me letting myself to be taken by every opportunity coming. It is also about me learning everything out there, not filtering the world yet, until I really know what I really want. Until I really know my real capabilities. Until I know which field I should be in to be a rich person. Well, to be quiet frank, by the end of the day, it is all about the money, and then of course about self-satisfaction.
Ambition/Dream.
As a child I did have some ambitions. I could even say that those are still in my head now. I still remember, there are two wishes. For your information, I actually wrote those down for my scholarship submission paper about four years ago. One, I want to be a good housewife. Second, I want to own an orphanage. I don’t know how on earth I could make it on that scholarship program with those two dreams, but I did make it. And I too don’t know, how am I studying here in Holland, with those two dreams are kept in my mind.
Dream/Challenge.
My next question for myself would be, how could I reach my childhood dream, plus all the dreams that I have been collecting along the way. They include Audi A3, apartment without garden, dark brown leather coat, feminine appearance which I found a bit cliché sometime ago, be the breadwinner of the family, be a successful working wife, be a daughter of a happy family, be a mother without giving birth, make people around me happy, be happy. I am not finished here with my list. But they are just too much to mention. But from here you know that I only want to be just like other people’s wish, be happy.
Next step/Future
So I am here now, four months before my graduation, with my plan of giving shot to every opportunity coming. As usual, as I always say..
‘Make the most out of Everything’.
So, by the end of my day I would not be disappointed for not trying. I might look like a generalist. Yet, instead I would say that I am a learner.
Goal/End
Happy.
28.3.08
A short dialogue with a Painter
Until one day, on Wednesday morning, in a windy spring. It was no way an ordinary wind that day. That day trees were down, people are sent home and forced to be home, no school and children playing outside, instead of blossom flower, the wind took the flower along. For him it was like the other business day. He was on the way to a business appointment. He took his car. He listened to his new U2, and did not turn his news-switcher on, that made him isolated from the latest news. He was on the road, 80km/h, and it was raining cats and dogs. The phone suddenly was ringing, once, twice, third times, and....
still. silence was all over him. silentness. mute. nothing.
Three weeks after that, all he knew was that something bad happened that day. How, when, what, no one knew exactly. The doctor said that there were some damages with his skull that had impacted his way of thinking. That made working in a company was no longer an option. For him, for his family, for his company too, that day was the longest day of his life.
He was then referred to a psychiatrist, and spent hours of talking with him. About life, love, money, past, future, children, mother, any single thing he could think about. One day he was asked to stop seeing the psychiatrist and left with a single piece of advice, "find your hobby to make yourself happy again".
It was the most absurd thing he ever heard. He hated the psychiatrist for leaving him, for letting him thought that life is hard again, even harder. He then stayed home. He started watching TV. boring. He moved to radio. boring. He started with photography. Too expensive after a while. Then cooking. Tasteless. Then reading. His eyes got tired after thousands of books and his brain got full. Then music. Still music. Stayed a while in the music. Pretty good one. Then he got inspiration to paint. Red. Blue. Green. Lines. Circles. People. People. Women. Monster. Anything. He fell in love, with painting.
He continued going back and forth a hobby shop around the corner to buy another canvas, sometimes the guy gave him something for free. Black canvas, new type of acrylic, painting books, story about painting, some brushes, even glass palette. His painting started to make his small apartment full of his painting. He then started to go around the neighborhood to sell his painting. To a tall guy with a nerd daughter. To a former business partner, he sold a big one. To an artist who is a cousin of his former supplier. To his children's teacher. He gave three also to his children's school. One to the city library, the darkest one because he thought the library was too colorful. One, the one with a lot of yellow on it, to his mother, because he thought his mother shines for some reasons. And one, the one he liked the most, he wrapped that for his 14th marriage anniversary, and gave it as a surprise present to his wife.
He enjoys painting.
It has been five years since those days. Now, he lives in Belgium in a small city about three hours from Holland. He paints for living, with a title of 'Levenskunstenaar' stated on his brochure and business card. He does abstact most of the time, with people as the centre of the story. He is invited by big companies to paint for them. His creations now are hung on companies' wall. He paints around 40 paintings every year. His life is back. Some differences here and there. No fake sleep anymore. No 9-5 in the office. No secretary. No weekdays and weekends. His days are just days, where he can work on the weekends and sleep on the weekdays. Although those are not parts of his life anymore, 4 people are still the same, Rieke, Jessica and Marteen. Once again, smile has been brought to his, their life. Once again people look at them and say 'a good life is his life', with an additional thought of 'when you can do what you love to do'.
He is back on business, without supplier, without partner, without office. Just the business. He calls his new life, an enjoyable life.
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This story is based on a short dialogue with an artist, Pim Smit, who told me to not think when I start paint, in Eindhoven, while he was painting in a food court during lunch hour, on a windy shiny spring of Holland.
28.12.07
Magic Button
Regardless the scientific facts, I keep wondering about the reason behind remembering and forgetting something. No matter how old a person is, they never have the opportunity to actually remember and to forget whatever they want. Sometimes that fact even makes the world seems so cruel. For me, necessity of going to school does not make any senses, as people won't even completely remember what they have been taught. Ask yourself, what do you remember about high school's biology? It is so pity that people have to go to school and work they ass off to pass the exam, just to forget everything.
This function probably is the most important one, as it enables the owner to not only save, but also marks the event as a memory. Only those marked as 'Memory' can be clearly memorized by the owner naturally. It simply works as you remember your today's morning coffee, natural. What happens to those which are not marked is that some of them will most likely disappear, just like those memories of a 4-year-old child.
There are some events that might seem inappropriate to remember, or perhaps it is too painful to remember. With this function the owner can control the brain to actually erase the memory. As the button is pushed, the memory is gone forever and the owner will not be able to recall it naturally anymore.
To recollect
To be fair, I guess it would be also wise to always give the opportunity for the owner to recollect their memory, should they want it back. The owner will not remember about the memory they would like to recollect, unless there is one who reminds them about a particular memory. As the owner knows when and where the event is, they can simply type the details and press the button. Shortly they will have their memory back, wittingly or not.
22.5.07
16.2.07
Shit!
Shit!
Shit!
Shit!
without having any power of walking away.
8.2.07
Same old scenario
Yes I know, I have been told. Yes I know, I have been told yesterday. Yes I know, I have been told last week. Yes I know, I have been told last month. Yes I know, I remember, it is the same story that I heard last year, or was it 2 years ago, or probably 5 years ago. Yes I must know, It must be the same old scenario as I have been told a very long time ago.
I hate your father because he is so lazy. I hate your father because he never tries to understand me. I hate your father because he does not want to move forward, or it seems so at least. I hate your father, I actually hate as well your father's family. I hate your father because he is full of judgement. I hate your father because he made me not able to have all my dreams. I hate your father because he always us to respect him. I hate your father because he is so boring. I hate your father because every morning all I see is him sitting in the living room, looks like thinking something serious, while basically doing nothing. I hate your father because I am stuck with him because I married him, 21 years ago.
Yes I know, I have been told. Yes I know, I have been told yesterday. Yes I know, I have been told last week. Yes I know, I have been told last month. Yes I know, I remember, it is the same story that I heard last year, or was it 2 years ago, or probably5 years ago. Yes I must know, It must be the same old scenario as I have been told a very long time ago.
16.1.07
1st day at work
06.40 : the ring of my alarm shocked me.
06.58 : managed to get up. slowly and lazily washed prepared my self for the day.
07.20 : got out from flat. walked to the station
07.40 : bought ticket to amersfoort
07.45 : choosing bread in Albert Heijn to go (the name of supermarket chain in the station) as my breakfast. I chose eirenkoeken (egg cookies)
07.54 : waiting at platform 7 for the train. but didnt come. it was delayed for 10 minutes (happened to be the first bad luck today)
08.05 : started to be worry since had to be at the office at 09.00. still there was a chance thou.
08.10 : started cursing cause the train was delayed for another 5 minutes. met 2 indonesian friends going to amsterdam.
08.15 : the train finally came. feeling like running.
08.30 : sitting on the train and talking with my friends pretending not freaking out.
08.35 : cursing once again, harder. the train was changed into stoptrein which made it run slower, much more slower. desperate.
08.50 : running to platform 12 to catch the train connection. didnt make it. cursing again. there should be another train in 2 minutes. BUT DELAYED AGAIN! FOR GOD'S SAKE WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON I THOUGHT! sorry for the font, uncontrollable.
09.00 : tried to call the company informing my late. wasnt connected. damn good start.
09.01 : the train came. finally finally finally here we go.
09.10 : couldnt get any desperate than these minutes on the train sitting next to old woman explaining how to cook cookies to someone on the phone.
09.18 : AMERSFOORT CENTRAL STATION. got out the train. ran crazily.
09.20 : thanking god cause the office is right in front of the station.
09.22 : saying hi to the receptionist and asking for my supervisor name and she said "momentje hoor". phew!
09.23 : MINUTES OF SILENCE
09.25 : MinUteS oF SileNCe
09.28 : minuTes of SileNce
09.30 : minutes of silence
09.35 : "Morning!" Smiling and Hand shaking and being brought to the department room and met with colleagues.
There are 4 islands of desks in my department
- on my island ill be working with a maroccan girl Samira (on monday and tuesday), David whom i havent met (wednesday, thursday,friday)
- on the island of the head of departments; Italian guy Sandro, French woman Cecile, 2 Dutch guys Niek and Ronald
- on the island next to my island, greek guy whom i forgot the name and a dutch guy whom i also forgot. sorry
- on the furthest island, 2 ducth guys who talk loudly all day and laugh a lot too whom i also forgot their names. another sorry.
09.?? : Being introduced with the every people on the building, going to every department and met people whom of course i couldnt remember at all.
09.?? : Going to HR department and was given a very thick bundle of papers about company thingies and should be read immediatealy.
09.?? : Reading and found that the company dresscode for monday to thursday is business attire, and smart casual for friday. ah well.
10.?? : got presentation about the company and many things about the system and details. looks complicated.
11.?? : Samira showed me how to work on the system. She introduced me 3 different systems today.
12.30 : Lunch Break. Walking to the city centre with Samira. Talking about loads of things.
13.30 : Back.
14.?? : Paying attention on what Samira's doing.
15.?? : Still the same interupted with going to coffee machine, short conversation over small things, and toilet.
16.?? : Samira asked me to do what she showed me the whole day. and I got confused and stucked for a while. For every system I always asked "How should I start it again?!"
17.?? : Still doing the same. started getting the idea. a little. Samira asked me for another cup of drink, then we went again to the coffee machine.
17.20 : Last checking and tidying our desks.
17.30 : Leaving the offices.
17.40 : Going to ticket service asking about monthly abonement card
17.55 : Catched the train to utrecht
18.10 : Stopped in Utrecht to change to the other trein. The trein would be at 18.23, so i bought durum doner. Lekker.
18.23 : Catched the train to arnhem
18.50 : Arrived in Arnhem. Tired.
19.00 : Walking home. Should have taken my laundry, gone to my friend's house to do laundry there, and had chinese course. But they were all canceled for tomorrow. My teacher is having exam tomorrow.
19.15 : Home
19.30 : Telling the story about today to kardus.
20.00 : Interneting.
22.00 : Taking shower.
23.00 : South Park watching.
23.30 : About to sleep and thinking of you
those will be wrapped up as my day!
14.1.07
Good bye student life : For a while
My family is even more excited. They keep asking about all the details again and again. How far the city from Arnhem, what am I gonna wear, how long the break would be everday. Ah well, I can understand that being parents would be always a hard task yet exciting.
Although this weekend is the last weekend, I did not do something special today. My day was rather useless. I woke up late, slept late, wasting my day mostly in front of computer. Well, I did also something good, report making.
Talking about working life, I am so not patient to see myself free from life of student. Thou some people would do everything to swap their working life with my student life in this quite city, my boyfriend for instance. hehehe. 1,5 years to go!! and that would not be so bad.
What is special about today too is that a very good friend of mine married today. It is a shame for me because I did not manage to call her, since I really have no idea which number is active, she must have another new number (this is what I hate about Indonesian people having so many numbers, cause buying new number with credit in it is cheaper than buying the voucher). I sincerely wish her a very happy marriage, that last for eternity. I am happy for you.
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The rest of my student life would be like this:
Sept 2007-Dec 2007 Back to student life
Jan 2008-June 2008 Graduation Assignment
Sept 2008 Deadline of being student
Oct 2008 FREE!!!!!!
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Now, Cross the fingers and Pray!!
Goodbye student life for a while.
I know I will miss you, a bit.
The Right to Choose
A girl was so upset cause she just talked with her friend, who is not a close friend whose opinion wouldnt be significant at all for the girl, on a chatbox. She stunned cause of a statement made by her friend, him, to her that she dates her current boyfriend is simply because of nationality status and money, considering the fact that the boyfriend is quite settled already with his life. She even more couldnt believe that he assumed it based on rumor. She couldnt understand the rumor as she is not in poverty so in need of such benefits. And the most unbelievable part is that her friend courageously said it to her without any hesitation, straight forwardly, which is very very offensive.As a human being who always makes assumption based on uncertainty and lack of information, we make judgements about other people. Sometimes even we dont know the impact to the related person, even when we mean it good. For this issue, picking a boyfriend, i would say is really personal and sensitive. No one can ever tell the reason why this person date this person exactly other than those two persons themselves. Sometimes even we dont know the reason, we just like it, just want it.
If we can relate further it would be also about the right of choosing, just like in the national vote. A person can choose whoever he/she likes to be with them. And no one is eligible of judging a person based on his/her choice. People says this person couldnt date this person because this person just broke up with his girlfriend and he should wait a bit more, bla di bla di blah!! or this person is so bad because he dates a junkee widow. And those thousand other stories. Why dont we just mind our own business which is still needed to be done? and let other people happy and sad caused of their own choice?
This right of choosing could not only be applied on partner choosing but also in every part of life. Cause life is about choosing, why dont we respect other's choice?
2.1.07
I traveled far away, Came back home.From now on, where-ever i will be, the world will stay in my Mind.
From now on, where-ever i will be, the world will stay in my Mind.
Wax Crayon on Paper
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The World in My Mind
By Justin Joseph
The world in my eyes,
Is something that never dies.
The river runs in its thundering flows,
Then settles in the sun as it glows.
In the mud there are eels,
And ants biting at my heels.
The grass tingling at my feet,
And the ground giving off its heat.
The birds singing in the trees,
Eating bugs like ticks and flees.
The wind blowing with a hiss,
Then touching the trees with a kiss.
With an earth in my hands,
I create new lands.
In my head that is.

