A demanding person, I am.

I believe that everyone has different ways of expressing themselves, of giving others their special attention. I also believe that people have different expectations of what they need from others and how others should behave. But what I know for sure is that when one is in need of his or her most important persons to care about them, he or she will become the most possessive person alive and definitely demands the fullest attention from them. I sometimes wonder why that simple logic is not always applicable, sometimes even to those who are so close, or even those who are long term lovers.

I really don't understand why I have to tell my loved one over and over again about my feeling, and how depressed I am, just to have his slightest attention, just to know the fact that he still doesn't provide that. I sometimes cannot understand why can't he be emphatic for a while, and not say any single word, and just hold me, or at least just leave me alone. I really don't ask him to ask me if I am okay or not, because I know that he knows that I am not. I also don't ask him to keep me busy or ask me out, because I know that he knows that I don't feel like meeting people or going out when I am down. And the fact that he doesn't talk to me, or prefers to listening to music, or to go to cafe for coffee, don't help me in anyway except making me feel like crying.

-----------------------------------

Latest Update:
Hmm, yeah, I really believe that everyone has different ways of giving attention. He is just back with my favorite perfume, and said plainly, "Nih, tadi ada parfum ini di bijenkorf, gue inget lo nyari-nyari ini, jadi gue beliin!".

Stier: Oktober

Solliciteren? Je maakt goede kansen en het is zelfs mogelijk dat je via via aan een leuke nieuwe baan komt. Maar het allermooist is dat de liefde met sprongen vooruit gaat! Kijk niet achterom, Stier! De toekomst ligt voor je en heeft iets speciaals voor je in petto.

Nou, ik hoop het wel! Crossing Fingers.... again!

The Present

Inspired by a genius novel, the Alchemist, I realized that I have been concentrating on picturing my future. How will I live, what kind of job will I have, how will I be happy and satisfied, how and where I will spend my old days, and with whom I will spend those days. I thought that picturing those things would drive my present and make me work harder for those dreams. Maybe I have read too many books and heard too many stories about living dreams that makes the idea of the dreams itself has become so important. But I just now realized that the idea makes me keep dreaming, and eventually without being able to wake up.

I think the secret of dreaming is actually the happiness itself, because we never dream of something terrible consciously. When we dream consciously, we experience a temporary satisfaction, because those dreams are the things that we want the most that we think will make us happy. It might also be that we dream of those things because we want something different in our life than we actually live now, or than those lives that we have seen around us that we do not want to have. Now that I have been busy dreaming, I have not started pursuing it.

A wise man in the novel said the simplest and wisest piece of advice that I translated into this meaning, 'Live your present. What is the worth of your dreams and your future if you cannot have your present right and die anyway today?'. I thought of that sense and pictured myself, and I saw this person who is standing by the sea enjoying peace of the wind. Then I am asking myself, 'Why am I in peace?'. I could not understand why. I thought of what I have achieved, about the life I live, and those are all nothing yet compared to my dreams. So why on earth am I in peace?

I realized that the dream itself that has put me in peace, the temporary relieve that I have dreams to pursue. I am actually close to lie to myself. I then realized that it might be the time to actually pursue those dreams, cause this peace is of course not eternal. By being blinded by that peace, I might drive myself into something far different than my dreams, the things that I actually do not want to. I might also end up living those lives of the people around me, which I hate. Today might be.... is the day to start living my present, not living the dream, which I hope eventually will bring me to my dreams, and be thankful of that I think about this today, not tomorrow or some other day when I might have been late.

The Lost Pride

I think today will be the most suitable day of the year to ask this one question:

Why don't I excite anymore about the Indonesian Independence Day?

Deep down, as an Indonesian, I am feeling terribly wrong. I know that there must be something wrong, either with me- or my country - or probably both to be fair.

Today all of my flat-mates are going to The Hague, to the Indonesian Ambassador. As usual, every August 17th they hold a flag-hoisting ceremony, which is followed by traditional games and performances. This event always attracts the Indonesian people living in the Netherlands. The visitors even exceed the sum of visitors of the two important holidays; Ied and Christmas. For some people, the most attractive part of the event would be the food, which is especially prepared with Indonesian delicacies. Apart from that particular reason- the food-, I am not quite sure whether those people attend the ceremony is simply because they love their 'real' country- Indonesia- since some of them might not anymore hold Indonesian passport, or simply for the togetherness after the ceremony?

For me, I am home instead. I prefer to sit in front of my computer sending some job applications. This year is my forth year in the Netherlands, yet I feel like the longer I stay here, the less I care about those nationalism thingies. I think the bottom line theory should have been, "the longer I stay abroad, the more I miss my country, the more I care about it". It does not happen though. And if you ask the people living here, I bet that not even half of them will say that they want to go back to Indonesia and build their "real" country. Why? I honestly do not know. Am I feeling terrible? Yes I am. Can I do something about it? No.

It is rather embarrassing actually, the fact that I don't admire my own country anymore, considering that I was a flag-hoister back in high school. Because of this flag-hoisting-activity, back when I first time arrived in the Netherlands, I was this big girl who loved her country. I told everyone that when I finish my school I am going to go back to Indonesia and build my country, and I insisted that everyone should think so. Every time I talked to people about Indonesia, my heart was like swollen with pride hearing them talking about the beauty of Indonesia. I then realized that four years feel just like one blink of an eye. I can't remember anymore the last time I told the same argument that I told four years ago. I can't remember why I stopped, and when it happened. I also can remember the feeling of being that big, feeling of giving everything to my country, being proud and peaceful.

It might be true that a part of the answer was my previous blog, that I can't find anymore a reason to love my country. Another half would be the pride of being an Indonesian. I think this is all because my heart is not swollen anymore with that pride, the pride that I had four years ago. I need to find the pride that I have lost. How? tell me.

I made it, I am the World's greatest!

I am that star up in the sky

I am that mountain peak up high

Hey, I made it!

I'm the world's greatest!

And I'm that little bit of hope

I can feel it

I'm the world's greatest!

The World's Greatest- R.Kelly

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I have never imagined that I would finally make it. I can't believe that no one would call me a student anymore. Above all, I can't believe that I am about to face the real life, and be a real money maker. I can now start thinking about more serious things, those challenging stuffs.

I have been calling my families to tell them about my graduation. I have never expected that they all are going to be that excited, especially from my father's side. I guess it was because I am both the eldest daughter and grandchild. It made me SMILE to hear them saying 'I am so proud of you...', although I am still not sure what that pride should be about. Because I guess graduating somehow makes my life, financially, less attractive. On the other side, I know that I must be proud of myself for what I have been doing in the last four years, and I do. All those life surprises and lessons learned are worth that SMILES.

Now, one more step to go. If I can find a job, then I would definitely crown myself as the world's greatest! 

Happy Birthday

One of my favorite days in my life.
I am thankful because people still do remember my day.
Today is just perfect and full of nice people.
I just realized that having a birthday is not only about me.
It is more about people around me,
who make me feel that the day is indeed special.

:)

Weekend: Family Time

I always love my weekend, which apparently I appreciate more lately. There is another thing I love besides my sleep: That I get to meet my friends. Spending hours in the living room playing video games, watching football, which I don't like, or cleaning the house. I know they don't sound like fun, but I do think It is fun because it feels like home. Sometimes we spend a little hour to go together to supermarket, doing some groceries for dinner. I have been enjoying a lot the days, especially when it comes to talking in the dining table, which always ends up with the most enjoyable laughs. When it comes to weekend, it always comes to my second family, the people that have been replacing the function of my nuclear family.

:)

The Search

I had a little talk with my flatmate two days ago. It was about the belief. I usually tend to avoid this kind of conversation, as usually it is down to religion. And religion is personal to me. Personal, in the same way as talking about my family matter. But that night, I did it anyway.

It appeared that she is jealous because I believe in something. And I've never heard such thing before. That was why I stayed.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

I admit that I do not really practice my belief. Although I also admit that I do still believe and always will. Practicing or not, one thing that I will always keep in mind, that I do what I do because I believe that is the right way, I do everything in my own way, and I keep that only between me and Him.

But it is really hard to actually stay on one belief. I keep reading books. I talk to people, but I am still not sure. Why I envy you is because you can have something to hold on. You believe in something.

I do not believe to have something to hold on to. To be honest I keep my belief only for leading my life to a good way, my own good way. I use my belief to keep the good from the bad, the bad from the good. Although the actual difference between those is subtle. Some people think that the belief is a part from our identity. I'd say it is more the way of life that results in our identity. In short, I would not let people know me because I am a muslim then I am a good person. I'd prefer people know me because I am a good person because I am a muslim. If we think like this, no one would do stereotyping in this world anymore.

I admit that I also believe in something bigger than us, but there are just too much doubts already along that belief that make me rather not go for it.

Doubts. The only question would be.. about what?

About which one. About why I should choose.

Who says that you have to stick in one of those. You don't always get to choose if you see believing in the same way as I do. By the end of the day, being good and happy are the ultimate goal. Those two might be cliche, but I guess with those two you can almost always survive from anything, but death of course. If I were you, I would treat my beliefs as I have been treating my cultural experience for the past four years. I tend not to avoid anything, instead I filter them. I have been collecting the cultural essences to make my own culture. This way I kinda enrich myself with the things I believe are good. I guess the basic concept of having differences applies here. That's also why companies have been campaigning about diversity program or internationalization. They all adapt one concept. Differences do not always lead to a conflict. Synergy should be the way we approach the differences. It is the same with the beliefs. Let's go with the trends I'd say.

It sounds like positive. Have you ever had some doubts about it thou?

I of course did. Especially after about the whole of my life learning about the same thing. I thought it would have been like learning math. If you do not understand you'd ask for sure, until you get the right formula to solve the equation. Doubt in believing for me does not work like that. You do not get to always ask. The more questions you have, sometimes it will bring you futher. One day a person told me to stop asking. It was so absurd I thought. But now I understand that the beliefs are not supposed to be thought in the same way as we thought about science, that everything can be explained. Those are the unreachable, the beliefs, should be somehow preserved by not asking. As time goes by, you are getting wiser, with your preserved belief you'd understand.

I am also telling myself, again, now, that that time will come.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Based on a nice talk with Aimee van Dinten. Details of the story do not refer to the actual conversation.

My Childhood Ambitions

Weight/Family

I am about to graduate in four months, if I am lucky with my thesis. Hopefully by July all the school weights will be lifted from my shoulder, or shoulders in this case, because I have been carrying this with my both hands, even with all my body, and my parents’ body, and my grandparents’ body, and my aunt’s body.

Question/Clue

In this kind of situations, it is so typical that people will be asking this one question. This question is like a key question or a mandatory questions for people like me. Sometimes people do mean to ask you this and the answer would definitely be interesting for them. There are also some who ask this question in a social context. But I still do appreciate both, and I always answer this question with all my heart. Although what I mean by ‘with all my heart’ is actually ‘I don’t know yet’ or merely a ‘Let’s see!’. I think those just describe enough my real situation now.

They ask me about my plan, ‘so, what are you doing next? Are you staying in Holland or going back?’. I sometimes don’t know why these two questions sound so complicated. One of course is because I really have no idea about the future, which makes me not able to really answer it. Second of all, the one that I am afraid of, I might actually not know what I really want to do. That is I think why.

Perception/Different.

Probably millions of people out there know already what they actually want to do, or at least have dreams about it already. Me, is the opposite. I am definitely not talking about me being so absurd not knowing what I want to do. I am also not talking about me doing nothing after I graduate. I am also definitely not talking about taking master’s degree, because I have no money or no rich person or company that would like to pay my study, besides I am also not that much of a genius person. So that is not an option.

What I meant by the opposite way is about me giving shot to every possible direction. About me letting myself to be taken by every opportunity coming. It is also about me learning everything out there, not filtering the world yet, until I really know what I really want. Until I really know my real capabilities. Until I know which field I should be in to be a rich person. Well, to be quiet frank, by the end of the day, it is all about the money, and then of course about self-satisfaction.

Ambition/Dream.

As a child I did have some ambitions. I could even say that those are still in my head now. I still remember, there are two wishes. For your information, I actually wrote those down for my scholarship submission paper about four years ago. One, I want to be a good housewife. Second, I want to own an orphanage. I don’t know how on earth I could make it on that scholarship program with those two dreams, but I did make it. And I too don’t know, how am I studying here in Holland, with those two dreams are kept in my mind.

Dream/Challenge.

My next question for myself would be, how could I reach my childhood dream, plus all the dreams that I have been collecting along the way. They include Audi A3, apartment without garden, dark brown leather coat, feminine appearance which I found a bit cliché sometime ago, be the breadwinner of the family, be a successful working wife, be a daughter of a happy family, be a mother without giving birth, make people around me happy, be happy. I am not finished here with my list. But they are just too much to mention. But from here you know that I only want to be just like other people’s wish, be happy.

Next step/Future

So I am here now, four months before my graduation, with my plan of giving shot to every opportunity coming. As usual, as I always say..

‘Make the most out of Everything’.

So, by the end of my day I would not be disappointed for not trying. I might look like a generalist. Yet, instead I would say that I am a learner.

Goal/End

Happy.

Shit!

When you are trapped in a shitty life, all you can do is saying
Shit!
Shit!
Shit!
without having any power of walking away.

1st day at work

daily update:

06.40 : the ring of my alarm shocked me.
06.58 : managed to get up. slowly and lazily washed prepared my self for the day.
07.20 : got out from flat. walked to the station
07.40 : bought ticket to amersfoort
07.45 : choosing bread in Albert Heijn to go (the name of supermarket chain in the station) as my breakfast. I chose eirenkoeken (egg cookies)
07.54 : waiting at platform 7 for the train. but didnt come. it was delayed for 10 minutes (happened to be the first bad luck today)
08.05 : started to be worry since had to be at the office at 09.00. still there was a chance thou.
08.10 : started cursing cause the train was delayed for another 5 minutes. met 2 indonesian friends going to amsterdam.
08.15 : the train finally came. feeling like running.
08.30 : sitting on the train and talking with my friends pretending not freaking out.
08.35 : cursing once again, harder. the train was changed into stoptrein which made it run slower, much more slower. desperate.
08.50 : running to platform 12 to catch the train connection. didnt make it. cursing again. there should be another train in 2 minutes. BUT DELAYED AGAIN! FOR GOD'S SAKE WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON I THOUGHT! sorry for the font, uncontrollable.
09.00 : tried to call the company informing my late. wasnt connected. damn good start.
09.01 : the train came. finally finally finally here we go.
09.10 : couldnt get any desperate than these minutes on the train sitting next to old woman explaining how to cook cookies to someone on the phone.
09.18 : AMERSFOORT CENTRAL STATION. got out the train. ran crazily.
09.20 : thanking god cause the office is right in front of the station.
09.22 : saying hi to the receptionist and asking for my supervisor name and she said "momentje hoor". phew!
09.23 : MINUTES OF SILENCE
09.25 : MinUteS oF SileNCe
09.28 : minuTes of SileNce
09.30 : minutes of silence
09.35 : "Morning!" Smiling and Hand shaking and being brought to the department room and met with colleagues.
There are 4 islands of desks in my department
- on my island ill be working with a maroccan girl Samira (on monday and tuesday), David whom i havent met (wednesday, thursday,friday)
- on the island of the head of departments; Italian guy Sandro, French woman Cecile, 2 Dutch guys Niek and Ronald
- on the island next to my island, greek guy whom i forgot the name and a dutch guy whom i also forgot. sorry
- on the furthest island, 2 ducth guys who talk loudly all day and laugh a lot too whom i also forgot their names. another sorry.
09.?? : Being introduced with the every people on the building, going to every department and met people whom of course i couldnt remember at all.
09.?? : Going to HR department and was given a very thick bundle of papers about company thingies and should be read immediatealy.
09.?? : Reading and found that the company dresscode for monday to thursday is business attire, and smart casual for friday. ah well.
10.?? : got presentation about the company and many things about the system and details. looks complicated.
11.?? : Samira showed me how to work on the system. She introduced me 3 different systems today.
12.30 : Lunch Break. Walking to the city centre with Samira. Talking about loads of things.
13.30 : Back.
14.?? : Paying attention on what Samira's doing.
15.?? : Still the same interupted with going to coffee machine, short conversation over small things, and toilet.
16.?? : Samira asked me to do what she showed me the whole day. and I got confused and stucked for a while. For every system I always asked "How should I start it again?!"
17.?? : Still doing the same. started getting the idea. a little. Samira asked me for another cup of drink, then we went again to the coffee machine.
17.20 : Last checking and tidying our desks.
17.30 : Leaving the offices.
17.40 : Going to ticket service asking about monthly abonement card
17.55 : Catched the train to utrecht
18.10 : Stopped in Utrecht to change to the other trein. The trein would be at 18.23, so i bought durum doner. Lekker.
18.23 : Catched the train to arnhem
18.50 : Arrived in Arnhem. Tired.
19.00 : Walking home. Should have taken my laundry, gone to my friend's house to do laundry there, and had chinese course. But they were all canceled for tomorrow. My teacher is having exam tomorrow.
19.15 : Home
19.30 : Telling the story about today to kardus.
20.00 : Interneting.
22.00 : Taking shower.
23.00 : South Park watching.
23.30 : About to sleep and thinking of you

those will be wrapped up as my day!

Good bye student life : For a while

Today, 14-01-2007, is a remarkable day of my life. I will be having another occupation other than student and part-time dancer for the first time, an intern. I have no idea at all of how would it be and that makes me shaky and nervous. On the other hand, I am so excited with my internship. I will meet new people, new challenges, new things which should be interesting for me. But I also see myself sitting in front of the computer, crazily bored, with red sleepy eyes..ehehehe.

My family is even more excited. They keep asking about all the details again and again. How far the city from Arnhem, what am I gonna wear, how long the break would be everday. Ah well, I can understand that being parents would be always a hard task yet exciting.

Although this weekend is the last weekend, I did not do something special today. My day was rather useless. I woke up late, slept late, wasting my day mostly in front of computer. Well, I did also something good, report making.

Talking about working life, I am so not patient to see myself free from life of student. Thou some people would do everything to swap their working life with my student life in this quite city, my boyfriend for instance. hehehe. 1,5 years to go!! and that would not be so bad.

What is special about today too is that a very good friend of mine married today. It is a shame for me because I did not manage to call her, since I really have no idea which number is active, she must have another new number (this is what I hate about Indonesian people having so many numbers, cause buying new number with credit in it is cheaper than buying the voucher). I sincerely wish her a very happy marriage, that last for eternity. I am happy for you.


------------------------------------------------------------------

The rest of my student life would be like this:

Jan 2007-June 2007 Internship

July 2007-Aug 2007 Summer Internship

Sept 2007-Dec 2007 Back to student life

Jan 2008-June 2008 Graduation Assignment

Sept 2008 Deadline of being student

Oct 2008 FREE!!!!!!

------------------------------------------------------------------

Now, Cross the fingers and Pray!!
Goodbye student life for a while.
I know I will miss you, a bit.

The Right to Choose

A girl was so upset cause she just talked with her friend, who is not a close friend whose opinion wouldnt be significant at all for the girl, on a chatbox. She stunned cause of a statement made by her friend, him, to her that she dates her current boyfriend is simply because of nationality status and money, considering the fact that the boyfriend is quite settled already with his life. She even more couldnt believe that he assumed it based on rumor. She couldnt understand the rumor as she is not in poverty so in need of such benefits. And the most unbelievable part is that her friend courageously said it to her without any hesitation, straight forwardly, which is very very offensive.

And it was not the first time, prior to this he also made statement that he wouldnt be surprised if she convert to her former boyfriend's religion (by then she dated a guy believes in other religion). After a few questions, she knew that this assumption was based on the fact that sometimes she was so lazy to go to the church on sunday and prefered to have lazy day with her boyfriend. He even made a promise to not ever accompany her to go to the church anymore.

As a human being who always makes assumption based on uncertainty and lack of information, we make judgements about other people. Sometimes even we dont know the impact to the related person, even when we mean it good. For this issue, picking a boyfriend, i would say is really personal and sensitive. No one can ever tell the reason why this person date this person exactly other than those two persons themselves. Sometimes even we dont know the reason, we just like it, just want it.

If we can relate further it would be also about the right of choosing, just like in the national vote. A person can choose whoever he/she likes to be with them. And no one is eligible of judging a person based on his/her choice. People says this person couldnt date this person because this person just broke up with his girlfriend and he should wait a bit more, bla di bla di blah!! or this person is so bad because he dates a junkee widow. And those thousand other stories. Why dont we just mind our own business which is still needed to be done? and let other people happy and sad caused of their own choice?

This right of choosing could not only be applied on partner choosing but also in every part of life. Cause life is about choosing, why dont we respect other's choice?

I Say Don't Count

People say 'The first is hurt' which reminds me my first weeks in Hong Kong where I am totally abroad. I was forced to share my room and sleep on a very hard bed with very hot and humid room temperature. I was forced to put more effort during classes, struggling to understand Hong Kong accent of my teachers. I was forced to do a lot of new things which I supposed not easy at all since I had no one to share with.

People say 'The more differences you have the closer you are'. When you are alone and no one is similar to you at all, you will definitely think like that, like me. You will not be picky anymore and you will simply be open to everything, to everybody. The interesting part would be the way you adapt with those people, with their culture, their way of thinking, their opinion, their thing. It is the time when you dont think about differences, but similarity. I experienced how one similarity bring you laughing the whole night. Beautiful.

People say 'Studying abroad should be the life time of your life'. Short but good. Personally speaking, I am so thankful that I chose Hong Kong (finally after some other weeks) which brought me to bunches of special persons, new experiences, and accidentally the new me. I can say anything about my time in Hong Kong but great!

People say 'Stop at the highest point, and get the best' cause after that highest point, the excitement level would significantly decrease. And if you decide not to stop at the highest point, which is translated as the best time of the time, you will end up not so exciting anymore with your life. And finally have bad memory about that particular time of your life.

People say 'Life is short' especially when you are happy and suddenly you are in the exam week already which happens to be the last weeks of your stay. And when people say that life is short they will continue with saying so make the best out of it which makes me think again, how can i make my last 3 weeks so damn great and memorable?

People say 'Dont count the time unless you wanna lose it'. Someone said 'Oh, two weeks more!!' and I said 'Just Dont count'.

People say 'The last is also hurt' but I dont want mine to be hurt. Just dont count for now, that will be fine....

Cry

Cry and you will be done.
Cry and you will be up again.
Cry and you will be relieved.
Cry and you will be stronger.
Cry and you will be in peace.
Cry and you will be in other time.
Cry and you will be full of sorrow.
Cry and you will be down.
Cry and you will be like a baby.
Cry.
Cry.
Cry.
Just Cry.
Simply Cry.
And you will feel you are in pain.

Postcard

I just talked with my aunty.

Her : Can I ask you a favor?
Me : Sure, why not? What is that?
Her : Can you send postcard regularly to grandma?
Me : Ah, has the last one arrived?
Her : Yes, a couple of days after grandpa died.
Me : Okay, I'll send postcard regularly.
Her : Okay, Thanks. Back to work
Me : Ok.

I realize how a small thing means so big.
I was not there when he died.
I was not there to see her cried.
I even could not talk with him at last.
They have been so nice to me.
And all I can do is sending postcard.
And that still means something for them. At least for her.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

a little thing about my grandpa, you may click here

my baggy-jeans boy

I seriously do not want to be cliche or sentimental.

I'd just like to write something about him, as my deep appreciation to him.
My friend, my brother, my soul mate, my supporter.
My love.

It's been a year 8 months and 21 days.

White side:
I can say he's really good at self-marketing. I don't know whether such theory is exist or not. But he is. He can position himself perfectly. He smoothly transfers from one to another character whenever I need. He is my boyfriend when I need to be loved, he is my friend when I need to share, he is my supporter when I need a shoulder, he is my soul mate who give me some parts of mine that i miss, though I also admit that he is my rival and enemy during the hard days-the days before and after my menstruation period! I say he is also a good listener. He listens to me even when I don't wanna share. He listens with his hug. Though sometimes of course he's really tired of my silence and gets angry. The thing is not his talk is important, but it is his behaviours that make me impressed.

I feel really secured when he's around. It's like I wouldn't be hurt by anything. I think what I really meant by secured is truly being myself. I started my relationship with a friendship, so I don't hide anything from him. I say what I wanna say, I dress how I wanna dress, I do what I wanna do. It's a freedom that I get. I am trusted, and It is really something in a relationship. Our relationship. I learn from him how not to be jealous. I learn how to simply love someone without being complicated.

He's also one of the smartest persons I've ever met in my life. He grew up with encyclopedias and news. He is crazy about history-war thingies- especially World War II. He said that that is the best war of all time! He knows about everything-I mean my standard of everything. He knows things, which for me are not important at all. One day when we were in the diesel train on the way to Düsseldorf, he asked me "do you know why is this train run by diesel engine?". Oh my god! I was thinking why should i know? And then of course he explained it, and what I cant believe is that I was listening! The other day, we were on a sort of romantic situation on the ship deck. We were on a boat party heading to Nijmegen. That was perfect and sweet, because we almost never have this kind of situation in our relationship so far. So I thought, Okay! this is the time! Until.... we were on a little silent and he asked me "do you know what will happen if two boats face each other?". I just cant believe that! and i said "No, what will happen?". Then he described that each boat needs to turn to the right so they wont crash each other, and so on and so fort. His term of smart is not only concerning his knowledge but also about his ability in approaching people. He is not really nice if you know him from the first time, because you'll think he's kinda "sotoy" and "sok kenal", kind of bad ice-breaker. But soon as you know him better you'll see that he is a very interesting person. He talks much, about everything in your interest. I don't know how can he know people's interest. But he really said once that it is inded his strategy in approaching people. Interesting!

He counts every expense he has. Its good sometimes, but sometimes its just really tiring for me. He prefers to buy anything else but clothes! He prefers to have his clothes "imported" from Indonesia by his mom. Incredibly unreasonable! Because of the clothes were picked by his mom, of course it means kind of oldish style. Most of his clothes are polo shirts with particular chosen colors and patterns which make him somehow looks a bit older and formal than he should be. But he just doesn't care, he wears them anyway. One time his mom bought him "her style jeans", boot-cut jeans!! This of course doesn't match with either his personality or his preference of jeans- baggy jeans. He said to me that he won't ever wear the jeans because it is inconvenient. He feels really strange.

Well, you see that my boy is not a stylish person. He wears only something comfy for him, yeah, just like me. Simple and boring, jeans, polo shirt and t-shirt.

Well, its too long already. Not because its not worthwhile to write about him, but it's a blog not a book. I probably will spend the whole week to tell a story about him. But let me stop here and keep the rest for me.

It's just one part, the white side of him. Of course I will write the black side of him, why wont I? Then, I will keep you informed when I get the mood.

Only For Us

Someone asked Andy, my boyfriend,

"Do you have girlfriend?"
"Yeap!"

And spontanously another friend of mine reacted,

"Aaah, you'll never know that they are couple! They are just like an ordinary friend!"

hehehhehe....Yes we are.

Simply because we are couple only for ourself.
Something only we know.

This is the time called 'Tambal Sulam'

In my shared room, staring at my family potrait. I see smiles.
All I can say is let us cry, even for a second.
We have smiled for our life and now its the time to put our heads lower.
Life is indeed like a roller coaster.
If we could choose when we are down, i wouldn't choose this time.

I study communication, ironicly we can't communicate each other.
I ain't taught to say my feeling and prospective.
It seems that we have two controller leading to different directions.
Blaming each other.

I dont know anymore which would be better.
Laugh or Cry.
Now I'm just pretending that I'm okay.
Thou I always know that I'll be alright.
So will my family. They are all great person.

I know that this time would make me stronger.
And stronger. and stronger.
Three of us are not every girl.

I see my future. Just a few steps ahead.
I know I would be able to reach it, somehow, I dont know.
Yet I still need supports.
I will be the support for them, my sisters, my family.
I will pay it. Pay what they have given to me.

Staring at my family potrait.
I see hope.
I see future.

Saat Ku Sendiri Adalah Saat Aku Bisa Merasakan Semua Yang Tidak Bisa Kurasakan Saat Tak Sendiri.

Satu kali lagi kukatakan bahwa memang itu membuatku bahagia
Yang terpenting bukan hanya bahagia tapi penuh dan lengkap
Yang memberiku sebuah kebohongan termanis
Menjadi sebuah besar
Aku ingat bahwa memang aku sebuah kecil
Dan semakin hari berlalu aku benar-benar makin sadar bahwa aku sebuah kecil
Ternyata selama ini aku dibodohi

Kapan aku tersadar adalah detik ini
Saat sedang menjadi sebuah kecil dan sendiri
Kini aku baru merasa aku telah dibohongi
Aku meronta karena kehilangan kebohongan itu dan ingin kembali kepada kebohongan
Manis sekali rasanya

Saat sendiri aku dibayangi banyak hal aneh
Bukan hanya ingin menangis dan meronta dan marah dan benci
Bukan hanya sendiri dan sepi dan kasihan dan diam
Tapi juga ingin bangun dan ingin berubah dan ingin bergerak
Tapi juga ingin jujur dan bicara dan teriak

Lagi aku hanya sebuah kecil
Dan kebohongan terlalu manis dan indah buatku
Untuk sementara waktu aku memilihnya
Aku tahu aku akan selalu begini
Seperti ini
Perlahan mati perlahan lenyap perlahan hilang
Perlahan nikmat perlahan senyum perlahan melayang