The Lost Pride

I think today will be the most suitable day of the year to ask this one question:

Why don't I excite anymore about the Indonesian Independence Day?

Deep down, as an Indonesian, I am feeling terribly wrong. I know that there must be something wrong, either with me- or my country - or probably both to be fair.

Today all of my flat-mates are going to The Hague, to the Indonesian Ambassador. As usual, every August 17th they hold a flag-hoisting ceremony, which is followed by traditional games and performances. This event always attracts the Indonesian people living in the Netherlands. The visitors even exceed the sum of visitors of the two important holidays; Ied and Christmas. For some people, the most attractive part of the event would be the food, which is especially prepared with Indonesian delicacies. Apart from that particular reason- the food-, I am not quite sure whether those people attend the ceremony is simply because they love their 'real' country- Indonesia- since some of them might not anymore hold Indonesian passport, or simply for the togetherness after the ceremony?

For me, I am home instead. I prefer to sit in front of my computer sending some job applications. This year is my forth year in the Netherlands, yet I feel like the longer I stay here, the less I care about those nationalism thingies. I think the bottom line theory should have been, "the longer I stay abroad, the more I miss my country, the more I care about it". It does not happen though. And if you ask the people living here, I bet that not even half of them will say that they want to go back to Indonesia and build their "real" country. Why? I honestly do not know. Am I feeling terrible? Yes I am. Can I do something about it? No.

It is rather embarrassing actually, the fact that I don't admire my own country anymore, considering that I was a flag-hoister back in high school. Because of this flag-hoisting-activity, back when I first time arrived in the Netherlands, I was this big girl who loved her country. I told everyone that when I finish my school I am going to go back to Indonesia and build my country, and I insisted that everyone should think so. Every time I talked to people about Indonesia, my heart was like swollen with pride hearing them talking about the beauty of Indonesia. I then realized that four years feel just like one blink of an eye. I can't remember anymore the last time I told the same argument that I told four years ago. I can't remember why I stopped, and when it happened. I also can remember the feeling of being that big, feeling of giving everything to my country, being proud and peaceful.

It might be true that a part of the answer was my previous blog, that I can't find anymore a reason to love my country. Another half would be the pride of being an Indonesian. I think this is all because my heart is not swollen anymore with that pride, the pride that I had four years ago. I need to find the pride that I have lost. How? tell me.