what friends mean...

I am sitting here alone, and thinking what friends mean to me. I've been dealing with friendship for the whole of my life, i bet you have it as well, aite? though in the final you chose not to have friend and being alone. Let's mean the word of friend itself, i'm referring to me since i am the writer. For me, friends is someone in your life, it might be changed in every phase of your life, but it means something once (or forever). Friends is someone whom you can talk to freely, without any demands, any considerations, totally FREELY! Friends is someone who you will be afraid to lose them. When i wrote this, I am thinking about a few people who i can say my friend.

Back one and half year ago when i was about to go to Holland. I was desperately crying at the airport because i was about to leave something precious in my life, friend. When i finally arrived at Holland, again i was desperately sitting in my bunk bed because i couldnt talk to anybody, i felt like i lost my friend. Then of course i was thinking that i gotta find a new one, here in Hollands, yeah, that's how life goes aite. Fortunately i met people, i 'grew up' with them and desperately i am saying that up till now, i still have no friend (actually i got 1, but he is not my totally friend). I know i will let some people down, sorry.


Well, i could say probably the problem is me. I dont know i just cant be the same person as i was before. I am totally change, with no reason (as long as i know). I cant enjoy my friendship-life, i cant express myself well so the others wont perfectly understand me. I just cant...but believe i really want to.

It started to realize this situation about 3 months ago. I realized that i do feel alone here. If i have something to tell, about anything, about anything, about anything, i dont have any idea where should i go. I dont know, i just dont have a truly friend of mine, except he. Well, but sometimes you need someone except him to share the story about him, or just for any other suggestions and opinion. But no one could make me feel comfortable.

I started to be an individualist person, here. I eat my own pills and heal myself. I try to keep myself up so that any person could see me perfectly, everyday. Dont you think i am being like a lier!? But i can say nothing, until now, i have no idea what should i do, cause this is the main reason of all this problems. I am afraid of being myself in front of people and i still have no strength to change it. I am not happy with it.

Honestly, i have many many problems while dealing with people here, especially with particular people who have a bit (i prefer to say 'a bit') special relation with me. Maybe they dont realize this, but i never show who i am in front of them. Why? i just dont like to show 'me'. I cant be 'me' FREELY! in front of them. I dont belong with them, sorry.

Please help me, so that i could find myself that i had once.
I miss friends where i belong to.
I miss moments where i could express my words FREELY!.

I dedicate to Miranti
I miss you