Saat Ku Sendiri Adalah Saat Aku Bisa Merasakan Semua Yang Tidak Bisa Kurasakan Saat Tak Sendiri.

Satu kali lagi kukatakan bahwa memang itu membuatku bahagia
Yang terpenting bukan hanya bahagia tapi penuh dan lengkap
Yang memberiku sebuah kebohongan termanis
Menjadi sebuah besar
Aku ingat bahwa memang aku sebuah kecil
Dan semakin hari berlalu aku benar-benar makin sadar bahwa aku sebuah kecil
Ternyata selama ini aku dibodohi

Kapan aku tersadar adalah detik ini
Saat sedang menjadi sebuah kecil dan sendiri
Kini aku baru merasa aku telah dibohongi
Aku meronta karena kehilangan kebohongan itu dan ingin kembali kepada kebohongan
Manis sekali rasanya

Saat sendiri aku dibayangi banyak hal aneh
Bukan hanya ingin menangis dan meronta dan marah dan benci
Bukan hanya sendiri dan sepi dan kasihan dan diam
Tapi juga ingin bangun dan ingin berubah dan ingin bergerak
Tapi juga ingin jujur dan bicara dan teriak

Lagi aku hanya sebuah kecil
Dan kebohongan terlalu manis dan indah buatku
Untuk sementara waktu aku memilihnya
Aku tahu aku akan selalu begini
Seperti ini
Perlahan mati perlahan lenyap perlahan hilang
Perlahan nikmat perlahan senyum perlahan melayang

Gossiping; Gossiper; Gossip

Main Entry: ²gossip
Function: intransitive verb
: to relate gossip
- gos·sip·er noun


Main Entry: ¹gos·sip
Pronunciation: 'gä-s&p
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English gossib, from Old English godsibb, from god god + sibb kinsman, from sibb related -- more at SIB
1 a dialect British : GODPARENT b : COMPANION, CRONY c : a person who habitually reveals personal or sensational facts about others
2 a : rumor or report of an intimate nature b : a chatty talk c : the subject matter of gossip

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I could say that gossip is part of my life, its part is even bigger than reading or listening music. For some people like me, gossiping is more or less counted as a daily routine. Why? Because it gives you enough satisfaction, time-consuming, interesting, gain your knowledge about people, and one of the ways to have daily self-reflection. People usually assume Gossip as a negative activity rather than try to have some positive effects of gossiping. One of them is Healthy. And I will tell you that gossip is not always untrue, but often could be a fact, which is passed by people.

What do you talk about when you are gossiping?? People!
People are the most interesting creature in the world to talk about. When it is categorized as a gossip is when you are talking that particular person behind their back, it could be bad or good. Truthfully we could not avoid hearing or passing a gossip, because gossiping is almost counted as a way of life. It is a common thing.

I will let myself think if I were the one who has been gossiped. I had been there in that position and it was not for the good one. What I felt was horribly shame and mad. I could not really think why such a gossip happened to me, did I do something wrong and so on, and so on. But as it was merely a gossip, I could do nothing, at all. I could not just throw my suspect away and kill him/her. It is also stupid if you have to clarify and come to each person, or even make a press conference. Who the heck am I? One thing I should consider that time is people don’t give too much shit on gossip. It will cost you time but not long enough so it could kill you. I just let it go and let the time pass them away. That was what I did.

Now, I will put myself again as a gossiper. I like to be on the save side, everyone does. Every time you do this gossip thingies, I guarantee you that you will feel a very good mood, you can laugh, you even can cry, basically you will feel many happiness and satisfaction (note: if you do like gossiping). But the most important thing about gossip is that you can never pass it to everyone you like, unless you are a journalist of one of those Indonesian infotainment programs. Because here you are about to pass either a fact or lie about someone to someone, you have to be really sure of who is the person you are talking to. You even have to really consider them even if he/she is your friend. Why? Because your friend has friends, and those friends have friends, and those friends have again other friends whom now you won’t be able to count. Such relationship will endanger you; you will never know that a friend of friend of your friend is a friend of that particular person who is being gossiped. He/she who will tell the gossip to the person will ruin your life, your daily life, your friendship, your relation and everything. You even won’t know person who ruin your life.

Now I will tell you again one of my own gossip experiences. I have made several mistakes in gossiping, most of them is because I picked the wrong person to pass to. It started 2 months ago when me and my friends made fun with, called it, my teacher. We made a silly gossip without any special intention which is basically done because our teacher was late. We were so boring and a bit mad so we could not help ourselves not to make that stupid gossip. After that day ended we simply forgot it. Times went by, about two weeks later I had another meeting with our teacher. I don’t really know why our teacher is really like being late or it is some kind of habit for that person, but again our teacher late. It’s not because we don’t want to understand our teacher but our teacher keeps doing that and it became so damn annoying. So, we talked about that stupid gossip again in that meeting, made fun out of it and laugh. Purely just that! We did not aware that in the same time there was someone listening what we were gossiping as well. We really did not know that this person would be the key of my horrible story.

About a week ago, I and my friend were on the way with our teacher. The music was turned out loud while our teacher started the conversation. Our teacher started by saying ‘just wanna share my little thought’. Our teacher told me that there was a gossip spread about that our teacher has been having an affair. Our teacher got a mail concerning a warning that our teacher has been gossiped. The mailer heard the story from a girl who is the gossipers’ friend. It was the first shock to me. Then our teacher continued the story and told us that the gossiper was people who in fact are close to our teacher. That was the second shock that made everything’s clear that we are the one, the gossiper. Nothing could be more horrible than sitting there and listening the story which is our own story. Nothing could be more shameful than pretending that it was a story about someone else and having a fake smile. Nothing could be more than that night. But fortunately our teacher had a big heart, the story ended by our teacher saying that our teacher just will let it go….

My story won’t end here. After we were dropped in our house, we run some kind of hypothesis of what was happening, who might be the suspect who was being so stupid passing that stupid gossip to the mistake person. First discussion ended blank, we had no person. Secondly, we included our boyfriend. They gave some opinions who coincidentally so make sense. The Hypothesis is that the suspect coincidentally overheard the gossip. Then the suspect really did not know that the gossip is the really a joke and no fact involved. Unintentionally the suspect passed it to the person who the suspect though is trustable. This second person accidentally has sort of extra concern toward our teacher, so that second person spent special times to write our teacher that letter which concerns a warning and led to our tragedy.

After this event, I could not just stop to think what if our hypothesis is right. I could not believe it. Our suspect has bad reputation in gossiping, we could say unprofessional, amateur, incompetent, slack or whatever. Hehehe… but this event made me learns how to pass a gossip to the right person, and not to say anything to the suspect ever again! We could never know the right person to gossip with until they uncover themselves.

Being picky is the key!!!

I hope you dance

Last Thursday I had a dance performance at an elderly-house nearby Utrecht (I can't remember the exact name of the place). When we first arrived at its gate, we were totally surprised because it looks more like a forest. The performing place was still 1 km from the main gate.

When we finally found the place, we came in and met with sort of the EO and we were brought to our dressing room. After a short chat with the EO, this elderly house is not a regular elderly house. This one is provided for the elderly who have psychotic problems. The security of the complex, particularly the building, is 24/7 strict.

Our dressing room which is regularly a common room for those elderly, has a kitchen, a long dining-table, and two sets of sort of living room for probably chatting time. What impressed me were the supported equipments. The couches for the sort-of-living room were not a standard one, they were automatic massager couch. The kitchen is a modern and furnished, complete with full-of-specially-made-instant-meal refrigerator, 2 spotless coffee machines and fresh fruits. There were many blankets provided there. And there are also child’s toys there, 6-piece puzzle and basic child books (probably for 5-6 years old kids).

Do you see bizarre things? I wonder why should they provide those elderly which is notably not productive at all anymore with those kind of kitchen and couches. I bet they will just simply open the fridge and grab one of those instant foods, but in the other hand do not they provide them with special meal in their rooms? And for the couches, don’t they will break their back if they use them? Why I wonder is because elderly who live there are not like those you see at the street. Most of them can’t walk anymore even can’t talk anymore, and of course also with psychotic relevant. Based on my assumption, probably our dressing room is just the most normal one. I do not hope so.

Back to my performance, the hall where we were performing and its entrance had been designed with Indonesian-wannabe thingies, helicak, barong, lampions (which are exactly Chinese lampions). The hall was not big and has no stage or podium. They didn’t give much decoration for the hall. We had so much time before our performance since we arrived sooner. We killed the time with chatting, eating snacks and having little rehearsal, particularly for Tari Giring-Giring as three of us (me, Resy and Lia) hardly remembered it.

5 minutes before performance....

We were called by the EO to stand nearby the hall, we got out…

We performed 2 dance sessions; first session was Tari Jali-Jali, Tari Tempurung, and Tari Panji Semirang. The second session was Tari Yapong, Tari Giring-giring and Tari Jaipong. I performed at Tari Tempurung and Tari Giring-giring.

When I first entered the hall, I felt no worries at all because I have performed this dance many times and I knew that the audience would not be as enthusiast as the others performances. So I carried on my dance. After a while and started to have eye contact with the audience, then suddenly a splash of thick air came to my lung and shocked me. They are indeed not a regular elderly people, they have the same white hair and same wheel chair and same wrinkle. But I can see different expression on their faces, either they are extremely happy, extremely appreciated or extremely careless with our dance. I will get you the picture.

One of our audiences is a very old woman who always raised her hands to get along with the rhythm. Her face was always extremely smiled with eyes wide opened. She looked very interesting with our dance. After the second session ended, as usual we had sort of ending dance where we asked the audience to dance with us. Of course, there, we had to really careful in selecting who would perform with us, since they are not much who could and would dance. Finally we got couple of people, among them there was that woman who surprisingly still could walk though slowly. She was there among the circle to dance with us still with the same expression, big smile and big eyes which say for happy. The ending dance lasted for around 7 minutes. She was standing between Lia and the EO who were tightly held by her. During the dance, she tried to express her feeling by communicating with my friend, Lia. She tries several times and Lia still couldn’t hear any voice came from her mouth. She couldn’t speak anymore.

There is the other audience. It is a man. He was there with his wheel chair. His head and face were not normal anymore; I supposed it caused by a stroke. He had 2 hands but only one performs well. I had an eye contact with him after Tari Tempurung ended. He was nearly at the last rows. It was so noisy because of the crowd of applauses. We went out from the hall and unexpectedly I heard mumble of 'mooi..mooi..mooi' which means 'great..great..great..' which came from my right side. There was that man who said mooi..mooi..mooi with his abnormal mouth and this one-handed clapping as his form of appreciation for us.

I saw those facts and they depressed me. I was there tried to perform Indonesian dances and I never knew that I would have such a great and beautiful appreciations from people who notably like them. I was truthfully amazed and thankful. I will never know that we, as the dancer, would deserve such kind of appreciation. Then, this case made me think again about my own life. Before this I never appreciate myself or think that I have such a positive point. That wished appreciation not come from people surrounding me, but from elderly people who met me coincidentally.

Sometimes, when we want to show or expect something, we will not see them at all in our daily life until it comes from the extreme one. Probably I have had appreciation from people for what I am doing, but I keep denying them until they say it extremely and loudly enough.

What I learned from here is simply about appreciation. How important it is for people and particularly me. Appreciation is the most basic, cheapest and easiest form of thank. But what is important, Appreciation would not effect much until you show or say it.

JEALOUSY you got me somehow

02.35 am mix with Dashboard Confensional's songs...

It's been my last-14-month-problem. It is a matter of jealousy.

I'm so tired of being jealous, close-minded and shallow. I really dont know how to start this kind of story since it would relate with some people. I'm trying to say it with my point of view, me, me and me.

For the last 14 months of my relationship with a boy, i have been suffering with a thing called stupid jealousy. I am jealous with a girl who used to be his. Of course i have particular reason why should i concern about her which wouldn't be named one by one, but most likely those will be stupid, cliche and childish.

One night, We ended in the conversation that took her as a part of it. And again the same feeling, feeling of anger, shame, unfaithful, intolerance, and so on and so on came and ruined a nice conversation that we had that night. I couldnt control myself, as a human being, to react positively or at least pretend to be cool. Everytime this name is said, spelled, and involved, the same feeling came to my mind, brain and of course the most sensitive, my heart.

Then, he said that he's so tired with my 14-month-problem. He's so sick of explaining and convincing me about her. After a while of silence, he said the sharpest sentence ever to me.

"Why you never trust me? That would cause lie. I prefer not to say and talk anything about her with you, to avoid your absurd jealousy. That was what you were doing with Firman as well, you prefered not to say than have to face his 1000 questions!"


I was increadibly speechless...that was right, all acceptable.

That was exactly what i was doing. It became one of the case of my brakeup. I realize that honesty would always be an important thing in relationship, but sometimes there are so many reasons behind why we prefer not to be honest, and my case is one of them.

Here, I sort of promise honestly and full of profundity that I will believe you faithfully. I wont ask for another convincing statement or another i-love-you that made a fake comfort for me. I do tired of being like this. I want get rid all of this 'T' thing. And i will start by saying..

"Hit me with your stories, even the most jealous-making one. And I wont be jealous at all ! 2 euros per jealous-movement! ahahhahaha"

Arnhem-Nijmegen's Cooking Competition

Last week I took part in Arnhem-Nijmegen's Cooking Competition which was held at the 2nd floor of Honigkamp (the student house in Arnhem). There were not less than 10 teams joined and presented their best BEEF recipe. This competition was not only open for Indonesian Students, but also International Students, there were 2 international groups.

This competition was so fresh, new and innovative. We supposed to have a team with max 3 persons each team. I was with Kristi, my roomy. We were informed about the theme of the recipe about 24 hours before D-day, and that was BEEF. Well, beef was kinda easy to cook, I mean you can almost do everything with beef for the innovation and creativity's sake. So we (ahhahaha, not we exactly because Kristi had the idea, i thought nothing!) decided to cook beef thingy which was later named as LA HAM DU CILLE.

It was so much fun, fun and fun. We shopped groceries, meat and the other recipe-related things at the open markt and AH centrum (red-AH is a name of supermarket here in Netherlands, the good and expensive one). The funnest thing was when we stopped at carnaval shop at Arnhem Centrum. There were so many carnaval things there, start from clown costume till pig nose. Those things created an idea for us that we were going to attend the competition with a costume. Since the theme was BEEF so we decided to go with Stadsboerderij Meisjes costume!!!!

Here are some best photos of us, Stadsboerderij Meisjes...

Bergaya Sebelum Beraksi.....uhuhuhuhu














































Ber Yel-Yel Ria Demi The Most Festive Certificate!! (hhh..murahan!)
















Senyum Deg-degan menunggu hasil Juri cicip-cicip


















Masakan Ala Stadsboerderij Meisjes....La Ham du Cille!!!















































Senang dan Haru menjadi Sang Tim Paling Meriah.....
































Photo Ria bersama 'Maskot' Lekker Hoor Cooking Competition...
(huhuhu memaskotkan diri)
























Ini FANS BERAT Stadsboerderij Meisjes....dan sebagai informasi sehari setelah Cooking Competition dia minta tanda tangan di photo ini...huhuhuh dan tentu saja KAMI KASI DENGAN SENANG HATI!!!! hehehhe (red-ini adalah berita bohong belaka)



Well.... what a day what a meisje!!!
We were really happy as we won one of the category, The most festive team which was impossible not belong to us, because we were very berry merry cherry damn different with other, of course different in a positive (freak) way...huhuhuhu

Yeah..yeah...at least we won something although not because of the taste of our cook, but our costume...hihihihihi a bit miserable!!! pis...

May I Say Welcome.....

Well, well, well done! hahahhahha..... this is what i want, my own Customized Blog. This is kinda real for me that i could choose the design from this site, just simply grab the HTML code and type here a 'lil bit and there a 'lil bit, and in no moment (well, i lie, honestly it's gonna take you a whole damn day! hehe) tarraaaa....that's all! You probably will love doing this during your boring break.

After you have the skin (basic design) and then you can customize further your web blog, add a shout box ( i got from this site), add music video (this site; or probably you could see many more on friendster), add links to the other's blog or website or anything you want! Simply Exciting! In the same time, you are struggling to learn HTML, which is very tricky. I like it, but not too much! *lol

Yes, I am deleting my current blog on Friendster.

Okay, if so, may I say Welcome then?

what friends mean...

I am sitting here alone, and thinking what friends mean to me. I've been dealing with friendship for the whole of my life, i bet you have it as well, aite? though in the final you chose not to have friend and being alone. Let's mean the word of friend itself, i'm referring to me since i am the writer. For me, friends is someone in your life, it might be changed in every phase of your life, but it means something once (or forever). Friends is someone whom you can talk to freely, without any demands, any considerations, totally FREELY! Friends is someone who you will be afraid to lose them. When i wrote this, I am thinking about a few people who i can say my friend.

Back one and half year ago when i was about to go to Holland. I was desperately crying at the airport because i was about to leave something precious in my life, friend. When i finally arrived at Holland, again i was desperately sitting in my bunk bed because i couldnt talk to anybody, i felt like i lost my friend. Then of course i was thinking that i gotta find a new one, here in Hollands, yeah, that's how life goes aite. Fortunately i met people, i 'grew up' with them and desperately i am saying that up till now, i still have no friend (actually i got 1, but he is not my totally friend). I know i will let some people down, sorry.


Well, i could say probably the problem is me. I dont know i just cant be the same person as i was before. I am totally change, with no reason (as long as i know). I cant enjoy my friendship-life, i cant express myself well so the others wont perfectly understand me. I just cant...but believe i really want to.

It started to realize this situation about 3 months ago. I realized that i do feel alone here. If i have something to tell, about anything, about anything, about anything, i dont have any idea where should i go. I dont know, i just dont have a truly friend of mine, except he. Well, but sometimes you need someone except him to share the story about him, or just for any other suggestions and opinion. But no one could make me feel comfortable.

I started to be an individualist person, here. I eat my own pills and heal myself. I try to keep myself up so that any person could see me perfectly, everyday. Dont you think i am being like a lier!? But i can say nothing, until now, i have no idea what should i do, cause this is the main reason of all this problems. I am afraid of being myself in front of people and i still have no strength to change it. I am not happy with it.

Honestly, i have many many problems while dealing with people here, especially with particular people who have a bit (i prefer to say 'a bit') special relation with me. Maybe they dont realize this, but i never show who i am in front of them. Why? i just dont like to show 'me'. I cant be 'me' FREELY! in front of them. I dont belong with them, sorry.

Please help me, so that i could find myself that i had once.
I miss friends where i belong to.
I miss moments where i could express my words FREELY!.

I dedicate to Miranti
I miss you

a year of Tsunami

Do you still remember what was happening right a year ago, 26th December 2004. That morning, tsunami was sweeping anything when most of the people were in their sleep, without any warning. It destroyed several countries within Asia and Africa. There were buried the biggest fear, the loudest scream, the saddest lost of all. Yes, it was a pain.

I dedicate this writing to Indonesia, my home.

Eleven countries, including Indonesia, suffered devastation. Indonesia was the hardest hit by the tsunami. The tsunami was caused of 9.0 magnitude earthquake- the largest earthquake in 40 years- occurred in the Indian Ocean, off the Indonesia island, Sumatra. The earthquake triggered as the the deadliest earthquake in the world's history. More than 283,106 people have died from the disaster, a half a million have been injured, thousands still remain missing, and millions were left homeless.

Up till now, those affected countries have been given many helps from the world. They have started to rebuild their countries and they already have their result. In Indonesia, children are coming back to school, one in ten people are going back to work and one in five in their permanent house. Indonesia plans to have Aceh ready by 2007.

Back in year 70's, when Aceh was having a controversy with the government. Do you still remember GAM-Gerakan Aceh Merdeka or translated to Free Aceh Movement. There were many efforts put by Indonesian Government to have peace between both side, starting from Soeharto era. Start from Soeharto's DOM (Daerah Operasi Militer) up till SBY's aggrement in Helsinki.

People are having their own perspective and opinion about tsunami. But for the obvious reason, many people see tsunami as the deadliest natural disaster that took their family, house and everything. They see tsunami as something that destroyed the countries without any reason. But I can say like this for My sake, Look deeper. Look deeper what is the effect deside the destroyed land. Look deeper what the people of Aceh receive from the disaster.

As a matter of fact, tsunami gave a good influence at the peace of Aceh. A 30-year-old civil war was ended by tsunami. Aceh was sort of reset by God because of the unending able civil war. GAM handed their weapons and trade them with Indonesian army. Slow but sure, the peace is already there among Acehnese. There is no more people of GAM and ordinary people, there is only Acehnese. Everyone helps each other to build Aceh like it was before the tsunami, even better. They do not have different villages, different mosques, differents infrastuctures, because there are only few left. For comparison, there was 1000 peoples before each village, now there are only 100. They are united by their own suffering, reflects to what happened behind. They deserve the peace as a trade of their misery.

Constructed plans are implementing by Government's institution. They are building permanent houses to move people living in tents and barracks. They are planning to set Aceh the earliest by 2007, not only better by infrastructure, but also the people. They are setting up people who will always look forward. Aceh will be better in every aspects of their life. This is probably the best way to stop the problem surrounded Aceh, by destroying all and starting it all over again. Acehnese do have their bad memory, but they are being ready to start their new life with new spirit and be a better land.

People are living in this big world, with their family, job, and everything which make their life happy. At the same time, God, the biggest creature who owns this life, watches us. Many happening in our life, sometimes we even do not know what we are doing or what are going to happen. We never know what is happening until it happens. We know that there will be always a reason behind everything, but not anyone can see, even after it is happening. We can always look better if we look deeper, can't we??

The Power of a Thing Called WORD

I look into this picture and realize, this is the time when i need THEM the most

I didnt mean to be sensitive in this writing. It looks so cliche to write something like this (yes-i know). But now I am desperate and longing for a thing called family. Usually when you are in a distance with your family, by then you will recognize how precious they are.

cliche-feeling or sensitivity (mmm...call it whatever you like, please. But i know that you know what kind of feeling i'm talking about) That's why I am trying to say that it's not always great to feel like this, especially if you cant grab them in a while.

This is my feeling, you can freely reflect it as you. If you won't, you can always read it.

To be honest, I dont know why i will remember my family particularly when I am not feeling good. It could be when I'm broken heart, running out of money, alone, or call it when in trouble. And positively that's make me feel guilty. I feel terrible and ask to myself why dont I remember them when I am laughing, having much money, travelling somewhere, and the things that relates with JOY?? Although it is not absolutely like that. I dont know...

For the last two months, i've been in the trouble, i can say, it was a big trouble. Thank God that there was still someone helped me to live. During that time, i knew that my family, specially my mom and my middle-sister, were in the same big problem as mine because they wanted to help me. My mom almost called me every two days and asked how was i going. I understand why she did it, because that's the only thing that she could do. Why? because in this case, my mom couldnt tell my dad for asking his help, we knew that it would be more terrible if dad knew it. She kept calling me and pretended that everything would be okay, she kept supporting me for not being hopeless and keep struggling. In those moments, i felt that every single support that came from her mouth is the most precious word ever, EVER! She said that i shouldnt be affraid of any barrier that might be happened, she knew that it was just for a while. Those words made me powerful again, again and again, no matter how much i will fall.

Finally my father knew the problem. My mom told him. Suddenly, someday in the middle of the night, he called me and asked me how was i going. He asked me about the trouble and was i okay?? He said that he would help me and asked me for detailed information. After that conversation, he told me that he was on the way to bring my sister to her school. I recognized that it was 5 o'clock in the morning in Jakarta, and he had already on the way. He told me that my sister started her school again today after holiday, the traffic would be crowded if they didnt get earlier and they were almost late. He told me about the new car, that it was more comfortable, that the car was still in the good condition,, and so on,, and so on... For short he told me about all the things that i've already known about. And the conversation ended by my word, "Udah ya pak", because i couldnt stand my feeling and i cried and i didnt want my father to hear it.

Word is only a word. But there are two conditions that will make words so precious for the one who will hear it.

1. When the words is really important to you, and you got to remember it.
2. When the words is not important at all but it come from the people who you needed the most, in the exact time, place and condition. I didnt say that it could only be your family. It could be everyone. It could be from a blind person that you dont know who ask for your help to take him accross the road, and it was asked when you feel that no one need you in the world, by then you'll know that you are needed.

Women's Worth

I read a slide-article on International Herald Tibune last week about a tragic story of african women. These story was opening both of my eyes about the other world's life and how thankful I am for everything I have. I realise not everyone could be as lucky as I am, or you are....

CHIKUTU, MALAWI. Mapendo Simbeye's problems began early last year when the barren hills along Malawi's northern border with Tanzania rejected his attempts to grow even cassava, the hardiest crop of all. So to feed his wife and five children, he said, he went to his neighbor, Anderson Kalabo, and asked for a loan. Kalabo gave him 2,000 kwacha - about $16. The family was fed. But that created another problem: How could Simbeye, a penniless farmer, repay Kalabo?

The answer would positively shock most of you, but there, it is a custom. Simbeye sent his 11-years-old daughter to Kalabo's hut. There she became a servant for his first-wife and of course, Kalabo's new bed partner.

Now 12, Mwaka-Simbeye's daughter's name- said that she never knew that she meant to be Kalabo's second wife, a man who roughly three decades older than her. "I didn't know anything about marriage" she said. Mwaka ran away, and her parents took her back after six months. But a week's journey through Malawi's dry and mountainous north suggests her escape is the exception. In remote lands like this - where boys are valued far more than girls, older men prize young wives, fathers covet dowries and mothers are powerless to intervene - many African girls like Mwaka must leap straight from childhood to marriage at a word from their fathers, sometimes years before they reach puberty.

The consequences they face are: schooling cut, early pregnancies and hazardous births and in years exposure to HIV-AIDS. Studies show that the average of marriage age in Malawi remains among the world's lowest, and the percentage of adolescent mothers the world's highest.

There is a lot of talk, but the value of the girl child is still low," said Seodi White, Malawi's coordinator for the Women in Law in Southern Africa Research Trust. "Society still clings to the education of the boy, and sees the girl as a trading tool. In the north, girls as early as 10 are being traded off for the family to gain. After that, the women become owned and powerless in their husbands' villages."

Many choose misery over divorce because custom decrees that children in patriarchal tribes belong to the father. Uness Nyambi said she was betrothed as a child so her parents could finance her brother's choice of a bride. Now about 17, she has two children and a husband who guesses he is 70. "Just because of these two children, I cannot leave him," she said.

Beatrice Kitamula, 19, was forced to marry her wealthy neighbor, now 63, five years ago because her father owed another man a cow. "I was the sacrifice," she said.

Malawi government officials say they try hard to protect these girls. Legislation before Parliament would raise the minimum age for marriage to 18, the worldwide norm. Marriages of Malawian girls from 15 to 18 are now legal with the parents' consent. Women's rights advocates say they welcome the proposal, even though its effect would be limited because many marriages here, like much of the sub-Saharan region, take place under traditional customs, not civil law.

The government trained about 230 volunteers last year in ways to protect children, especially girls. Volunteers for Malawi's Human Rights Commission, Roman Catholic Church workers and police victim-protection units also try to intervene.

In Iponga, for example, Mbohesha Mbisa averted a forced marriage to her uncle at age 13 last year by walking to the local police station, where officers persuaded her father to drop his plans.

Still, Malawi officials say this region's growing poverty, worsened by AIDS and a recent crop-killing drought, has put even more young girls at risk of forced marriage. Their households can no longer pay for their daily needs.

Mwaka Simbeye has her fellow villagers in Chikutu to thank for her return to her parents' home after her sojourn in her neighbor's hut. Her father, Mapendo Simbeye, who repaid his $16 with Mwaka, said he took her back after hearing that the local police could arrest him. He said he underestimated her, adding, "My daughter is worth more than 2,000 kwacha." "I did it out of ignorance," he said. "I had five kids, no money and no food. Then Kalabo wanted the money back so I thought of selling the daughter. I didn't know I was abusing her."

What a tragic world... I can't say a word, I think you could conclude by yourself...